Friday, July 18, 2008

Introspective Reflection

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I'll be going back to teach preschool this fall. I feel like I won't be. Or at least, I'm not anticipating it. I'm just waiting rather calmly to see what happens, but still... I feel like it's pretty much settled that I'll be staying home, even though nobody's said so for sure. Maybe that unfounded uncertainty is actually God preparing me? I don't know. But I was hit with a realization the other day - I only want to go back for selfish reasons.

Not because "God told me to" or "I feel it's my calling." No. I want to go back because:

I like being needed.
like I'm not needed at home, right?

I like being with the kids. It's fun.
I need to be with my own brothers and sisters.
I need to work on our relationships.
I want to be like Brittany Antonion in the way that she is so sweet and so motherly and so best-friendsy with her siblings- and I know they have fun together.

I like being in charge.
I'm in charge at home, too. sort of.
Only it's so much easier to be in charge in a nice way when it's not your family.
why is that?

I like being with the other adults. Even though I'm the kid out of the bunch. It makes me feel like a "big kid"... Like I'm important.
As if helping and loving my own family isn't important.

I like having a reason to be up and at 'em early in the morning.
Like I don't have a reason at home.
I just don't make myself get up and attend to those reasons.

I like getting a paycheck.
... okay, so I can't counter that one with a different source of money, but looking at the big picture, being home is so much more worth it, right?
"My God will supply all thy needs..."

And it was somewhat of a breakthrough when I realized this next one - This is the clincher.

I really like the security of being able to tell people that I have a job.
"So, you're going to college, right?"
"Oh?! Well, then. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I work at a preschool" is SO much more "socially acceptable" than
"I stay at home. But I know I'm doing what God wants me to do right now."
It's so much safer when you can tell people you have a job.

And there are just a few people that I really love, and have really missed this summer. But I guess nobody's to say I can't visit them.

So, it sounds to me like I need to learn to love my family deeper.
That's sad. That I would rather give my mornings to a bunch of preschoolers I'll only know for a year than my family. That makes me really disappointed in myself.

This post started as a journal entry probably two weeks ago. I was just thinking and writing. And my little ramble about wanting to go back turned into a realization - and a discovery of my selfish motives.

It's true. They're all selfish. And knowing that they're selfish reasons, and that staying home is the "Godly Womanhood" way to go doesn't make me any happier about it. Not that I feel I'm resigned to doom and misery. I'm not really upset or anything. I know if I don't work, and stay home, I will grow and learn. I will honestly try to become the godliest little me that I can be. But I like working. And I like getting a paycheck. And I like the security. I feel like people will automatically assume that I must be a lazy, pointless, drop-out type, or like I "haven't got my act together yet" when I tell them I stay at home.
I know for certain that a LOT of people think things along those lines about stay at home moms.
And I admit it. I'm scared of what people think of me.
And yes, I know there's no reason to be.

But maybe it's just time for me to be as insecure as I've ever been. Maybe I'm supposed to be afraid and insecure, and learn to get over it. Or, more aptly, learn to realize that my ever-present Father is the only security I need, and the only True security I'll ever have. Not just know. There's something deeper to that word, realize.

I'm selfish, and I guess that's all there is to it. But I really do want what God wants, so we'll see what He's got in mind, won't we?

It's like a battle, and I'm standing on the wrong side of the field. I'm not actively fighting. I'm just standing, looking over to the side I ought to be on. But even though I know it's safer over there, and even though I know I'll be fighting for the right things over there, I'm scared to cross over.

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