Saturday, September 1, 2012


I've been too busy living life to write about it lately. (Haha, just kidding. My Pinterest boards might tell you otherwise.)  Actually, I have been writing about life, just not here. It's like I've mentioned before - the less blogging I do, the more I write in my journal. And I really have been busy. Life is changing a lot.

I used to wish I could see into the future. Just a little bit. To know what sort of major things would happen to me. I thought maybe if I knew, I could anticipate and prepare, or at least wait more patiently for life to change. Things start changing though, and I freak out. I feel like life has this sneaky way of lulling you into a feeling that nothing will ever change, and then it jumps you with like four major life changes all at once. It's a little scary. And now I'm glad I can't see things coming, because I know in reality it would just give me more time to work myself into a sleepless frenzy of high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, and stress-induced acne.

I'm supposed to be writing a one page paper about a time I experienced a "cognitive lens shift." Instead, I'm writing a blog post. Maybe I could write about how I used to wish I could see into the future, and then I realized that would be awful. That was a change in perspective. That counts, right?

I'm losing my train of thought. I'm not sure if I ever had one. Oh, I remember why I started writing this now. There was a handful things I wanted to post on facebook, but decided that would look ridiculous, so I should just get them off my chest here. I think I'll do a bulleted list, so I don't have to freak out about getting my thoughts and paragraphs just right.

  • I want to go to Sonic. I want the sun to shine, and the breeze to blow, and for my best friend to join me at Sonic, drinking slushies and eating tater tots. But that's not going to happen, and it's making me sad.
  • I miss my friends. I'm making new friends, and they are great, but it's not the same as getting to always be around the people I've been closest to for years. 
  • I feel lonely lately. I don't like feeling lonely. It's an empty, dark bluish grey kind of feeling. And not a pretty dark bluish grey.
  • Along the same vein as missing my friends, I miss Laura and Nick. Nick is my little brother who became the big brother I always wanted. He's got so much wisdom and strength for one so young, and I miss his hugs and talks and encouragement. Laura and I didn't really get along last summer, but we were best friends this summer. Every time I've pulled into the driveway since she left earlier this week, I'm hit with sadness when I don't see her car. 
  • My favorite TV show is starting back up this fall, but it's not as exciting since it won't be the same without Erin to watch it with me.
  • Summer is over. School is in, and I feel like summer never happened. I was spoiled by the last 3 summers. Those were spent surrounded by close friends, doing lots of spontaneous summery things. This summer felt like one big, long summer-length transition/waiting period. It was nice, but it wasn't the same. And sometimes different is good, but kind of sad.
  • Celebrate Freedom - the biggest, awesomest, all day Christian concert ever is happening today. I was there the last two years, and this year I'm not. And Switchfoot is headlining again! And I hate that I'm missing that.
  • I'm 23. This is not where I thought I would be when I was 18 and the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" came up. (speaking of which, I never blogged about my birthday...)  In all honesty, I imagined I would be married. Silly me. Nobody's ever even asked me outI'm majorly tired of being single. (see 3rd bullet) But that's a secret, because girls who love Jesus enough aren't supposed to be unhappy about being single, right?
Wow. That was depressing. Maybe this is why I haven't been blogging! I promise I'm not this way all the time. I keep telling my friends I've been a little bi-polar lately. I'll have this pity party, and then two hours later I'll be all like, "Wow! God is just so good, and He's working so many new things in my life, and I just KNOW this is going to be a fantastic year full of new places and people and experiences! I'm going to learn so much, and I really believe God is going to show himself to me in new, exciting ways! This is so great!"

Okay, truthfully, I've been leaning pretty hard into the negative side. The thing is, I really do believe all that great stuff.  Just not enough to always feel that way about it. Every now and then, I have flashes where I feel like I believe it- excited and happy and confident and hopeful. I believe God is doing great things in my life, but mostly I still feel anxious and lonely. How does that even work?

Now I need to write some bullets about the good things going on, just to balance this crazy out.

  • I signed up for a series of 5ks this fall! The first out of five was this morning, and it was lovely. The trail wound through woods, across a pond, and up and down lots of hills. It was tough, but so so great.
  • USCA rejected my application at first, but I had an amazing admissions counselor who talked me through the petition process, and then I was accepted. Also, I qualified for a goodly portion of financial aid, so... that all worked out really well.
  • I had a random, temporary job for a week a little while back that helped me pay my first school bill.
  • I made it through week one of classes at USCA! So far, so good. But I'm letting myself be anxious about how things will be in a few weeks when the real homework starts hitting. Philosophy and English are my favorites, I think. Physical science... not my thing. The teacher is great, but I had a ridiculously hard time with a lab project yesterday, which is SO not promising.
  • Not only did I make it through week one of classes, I made it TO week one of classes. You know that whole not-having-a-car thing? Well, I'm not sure how it happened, but I made it to class. (This is still on my freak-out list, though.)
  • I got a new job! I'm babysitting some kids and an irish wolfhound overnight about three times a week. Still gettin' the hang of it, but I think it's going to go really well.
  • Despite my whiny cries about missing my friends, I really have had a good time getting to know my new friends. I'm grateful to have met some people to hang out and have fun with. And bake cookies for. haha
So, as you can see, God really is working things out in my life. I am so thankful.
And still so freaked out.

(and here's a picture of me and my awesome sister on my birthday. Since I never wrote about that.)