Saturday, April 6, 2013


 It's been a really good semester. I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Instead I've been taking pictures of my new hair.

Don't worry, I didn't cut it again.
I went way lighter. Love it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

real life

Monday was Monday.
Tuesday was Tuesday.
Today is Wednesday, everything-at-once-day, ignore-it-and-it-will-not-come day.

It's not a bad day.
But I would like to be an ostrich sometimes.

Summer's not that far off. Zoom in and it's frighteningly close. Zoom out and it's okay, except you have to plan. How can you plan when you don't have plans? Hard to prepare when you don't know what to prepare for. And then there's money. Time and money. Isn't it always time and money?

Here's what happens:
I hold on to the rope, and even though I can't see very far, my footing is stable.
My footing is stable, so I feel confident.
I feel confident, so I loosen my grip. Trailing my fingers along, then letting my hand fall to my side.

And then my feet feel heavy, and my legs feel clumsy, and the confidence is quaking, dissolving, and the surrounding unknown becomes oppressive and dark. And so I stop. So, now I'm standing there, just standing there, with my hands at my side, and I know the rope is still there and I can take hold again, but something perverse in me wants to pretend I can't find it, or wants me to fight forward in the chaotic void on my own. I don't know why. Why?

WHY do I not just keep holding on?!
This is real life, folks.

Friday, January 11, 2013

honest moment

I just read this: "Ladies, put your heart into the hands of God, & He will put it into the hands of a man who deserves it."

A lot of my friends find that encouraging. Like I said, I have trust issues. So, to be completely honest, my response is, "Oh yeah? Who says. First of all, He never promised all girls who want to get married will get good husbands, so there's that. Secondly, what if He just wants to take my heart and keep it closed in the dark between his two hands? or put it on a shelf or something?" 

I dunno if it's disrespectful to think/say stuff like that... all I know is, I'm not perfect. I don't have perfect trust. I have doubts and selfish fears. I know God's word is true and His plan is perfect. But knowing doesn't just translate to living in an effortless snap.

so... yeah. that was personal. *awkward*

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Things I'm Proud of from 2012

  • I started school!
  • I read 30 books, and while that's nowhere near last year's 72, I'm still proud of it. My selections were pretty diverse.
  • Maybe it doesn't "count" since it was all school assignments, but I wrote stuff. It feels so good to write.
  • I can't really take credit for it, but I started a great job.
  • I made new friends. I didn't hold back. This time last year I was reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, and while I haven't really thought about it much in the previous year, I realized that in the process of finding my place here in Aiken, I haven't been afraid. I mean, I'm always a little nervous about new stuff, but I didn't shy away in corners. I didn't hide and wait to be noticed. I want people to like me, sure, but I haven't really spent any of my energy this year worrying that someone didn't, either.
  • I started running! Something I never thought I'd do. And while I didn't do all 5 I signed up for, I even did a couple of 5ks. Granted, I've gotten off course the last couple of months, but I'm gearing up to get back at it.
  • I did a lot of crafty stuff.
  • I went to see my favorite band on a whim.
  • I drank a heck of a lot of coffee.

Monday, December 31, 2012

no more 2012

So, it's the last day of 2012 and I'm not sure what to think.

This whole getting older thing is weird; it really doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.

Part of me wants to hold on to 2012, saying "wait! I'm not finished yet! I'm not ready to keep moving on yet!" Part of me sees the amazing ways God has worked in my life over the past year and is excited for what he'll do next year. Part of me is still afraid he won't do what I want him to do. I have trust issues.

My brother and sister are leaving early in the morning. I'm at work tonight, so I had to hug them goodbye before I left the house. Nick wouldn't let me go. There's nothing like a man-hug. I miss him. Laura and I don't really do a lot together, but we do a lot of nothing together, and there's something so sweet about just having a friend to do nothing with you. I miss her. I'm so glad they got to be here for two weeks, but it was such a short two weeks. And every time we're all together, I marvel and think, "It won't be this way much longer."

I only read 30 books this year.

I heard a kid screaming in the store the other day and it sounded like one of the special needs kids on the bus I used to work on. Who knew a screaming kid could bring on a bout of nostalgia? That wasn't a bad job. I was doing that this time last year, with no idea I would be living in a different state less than 4 months later.

I love Aiken. I love my new friends. I love my school.
I had planned to go to PCC, you know, because it just seemed so logical. I prayed and journaled and prayed and talked and figured it must be the right thing to do. It really seemed right. But when it came down to the wire, plans fell through. Now I'm at USCA, and I love it.
I didn't even have money. Or a job. Or a car.
After I applied at USCA, I got this amazing job babysitting for this great family. It just pays my bills.
I still didn't get a car, but somehow I always made it to class.

This semester I will have a car. Some friends decided to sell their old one, and thought of offering it to me, knowing I would need one. Just in time - my dad will be driving his truck again (that I was borrowing for a little bit), and my friend (who I caught a ride with sometimes) has a different schedule from mine this Spring. Again, I registered having no clue how I would actually make it to class. Don't even tell me God doesn't provide.

I miss my old friends. People are getting married. And I live so far away. Not across the country, of course, but sometimes it seems it may as well be.

My family is intact. You probably don't know how amazing that is, but it is. The fact that we are facing a new year together with all members physically, mentally, and spiritually well and accounted for is nothing short of an act of the grace of God.

You know what else is really neat? I love our church. It took years to feel like I had a real place in our church before. I felt welcome there, don't get me wrong, but it took a long time to feel like I really, truly belonged. There's nothing like knowing you belong. I feel like I belong here. I'm not waiting to find somewhere to fit in. I think I already fit. I've even gotten past thinking how weird "Breezy Hill Baptist Church" sounds. lol

It would have been ok with me had the Mayans been right. Maybe too ok? I should probably be a little more excited about what God still has for me here! But Heaven is going to be bliss, and bliss can come any day. :)

Christmas was nice. Uneventful. Relaxing. We weren't able to join our grandparents for Christmas like we have most years before, so that was a little bit sad, but we still had a nice day, and we all shared pictures on facebook. I even got to see Erin! Her family stopped by on their way to North Carolina. We used to spend like 5 of 7 days together. A week in which we saw each other twice was a rarity. We've seen each other for probably a grand total of 6 hours or so this year, it seems. So, just two hours on a gray afternoon was nice.

This post is a mess. Like me. <3 br="br">