Becoming

This afternoon was spent tidying my room, having random, sporadic conversation with friends, and making chicken pot pie. Pleasant occupations, if you ask me. I decided to wash the sinkful of dirty dishes I had created, and as I began to scrub chicken and flour off various utensils, a contemplative mood came upon me. Weird, eh? Washing dishes does that to me sometimes.

Somewhere between recalling a conversation about how fast time flies and assessing my own personality, I remembered a statement I read somewhere. By the time you finish high school you will have become the person you will be for the rest of your life. Or something like that, anyways. I suppose it means that your personality, likes, and dislikes are pretty much cemented. Character flaws apparent, strong points developed. Maybe the fundamentals of who you are have been laid, but that can't mean you'll be at 80 the same person you were at 18.

But that got me thinking. I'm 19 - have I become the person I want to be for the rest of my life?
The answer was yes and no.

Ever since I was able, I've liked myself. Which sounds rather vain, doesn't it? People who acted like someone they weren't never made sense to me. Why would you want to go through the trouble of being someone other than yourself?!
(When I was about 14 and realized I wasn't "cool," it made a little more sense. I recall wishing I was a different person then.)

I like who I am now, but I don't want to stay the same. Of course, I doubt staying the same would be possible. People are bound to learn and change as time passes, for better or worse. But I don't want to just be shaped by what happens to me. I want to be the person climbing the escalator even it as it takes me forward (metaphorically speaking. ;-) I usally like to stand still on real escalators and watch the people go by).

It doesn't make a lot of sense to say that I'm happy with who I am, but I don't want to stay that way. I guess what I mean is that there can always be a better me. Being me is good. I want to always be the Caitlin we know and love, but working to be the best version possible. I don't expect to ever get there. Not on earth, anyways. Til I die, there will always be more to learn, and perfection being impossible, always some flaw to overcome.

Sometimes I think I could have made a little more progress by now, but I know I'm on the right path. Sometimes I like where I am and want to stop and dawdle for a while. Usually when that happens, I somehow manage to slip backwards a step or two before I realize I need to keep going. Sometimes I want to run, but I just can't become as good as I want to be as fast as I would like. (Sometimes I like using metaphors and then think they sound stupid. However, I don't feel like deleting this paragraph!) Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry because being good can get so darn hard. And sometimes I do. Then I get angry at myself. And then my Perfect Father reminds me that I can't do anything by myself, and if I would just look, I'd see that all my progress was because He was with me, not because I'm just that awesome.



And now I have that Switchfoot song stuck in my head.

This is your life, and today is all you've got now.
This is your life, and today is all you'll ever have.

This is your life
- are you who you want to be?