Monday, August 17, 2009

Impromtu Confessional

Drowned in good intentions
Changing is a fight
Ghosts of resolutions
haunt me, mocking in the night

I stop to reevaluate
Who I am and what I’ve done
And realize I’ve begun to hate
The other person I’ve become

I can’t seem to escape from me
Become the one I want to be
It looks like what they say is true
Your own worst enemy is you

The self I want to be drags me deeper
Cause I know I can’t reach that high

Cost of complacency’s getting steeper
Why’s it so hard to do what’s right?

This metamorphosis
Is taking too long
My pride and apathy
Have proved my better self wrong

Perfection’s always out of reach
Eluding my best efforts still
I’ll settle for a better me
But can I conquer my own will?

My feeble inability
Held the answer all along
This battle’s ending on my knees
Bringing me back where I belong

That's a song I wrote this summer. The italics are my favorite part. :)
One day I was feeling very let-down and disappointed in myself, and some thoughts just started swirling around. Decided I'd better write them down before they flew away. So, I did. And I worked on them for about two hours, had the song mostly formed, and then it just stopped. The creativity ran out, and I only had about four phrases I knew needed help. So, I left it alone and forgot about it.

Just the other day I remembered it, pulled up the file, and tweaked those few phrases.
Now I'm happy with it.

It's the song of my summer. As I said, it's been fun. However, if I'm being completely honest, spiritually it's been a drag. Which is MY fault, I know. Mostly I just used God as a crutch for the hard times, and threw a few "thank you, Jesus!"es up to the sky when something made me happy. And while I've been praying for a few people regularly, I haven't kept up the open line of communication prayer is supposed to be.

And here's the terrible part: I know this. It's not like I've blindly slipped into lukewarm Christianity. It starts out as complacency. "I'm doing pretty good at this Christian thing." Always a mistake. As many times as it's been said, when you stop moving forward, you start sliding backward. But I'm not posting a sermon here. lol If I am, it's for me.

The other terrible part is that the song is true, up til the last verse. I haven't got down on my knees and made things right yet. My human nature is being the ugliest it's been in a while. I was singing mindlessly along with the radio the other day. "Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You." And all of a sudden I realized I was singing a lie. I don't want to be unselfish. I don't want to surrender. And I don't really even know why, because I do know that when I'm fully surrendered to God, it's the most awesome thing in the world. To just have that openness between yourself and the Creator of the Universe is indescribably beautiful. So why am I rejecting it?!

Hm. I didn't really mean to write a confessional. Then again, maybe I did. Guess I felt like I needed to be completely honest with myself and everybody.
But now you know.
And so do I.
And so does God.

It's time for a change.


  1. wonderful song and afterthoughts! it seems for some odd reason, that my most profound and deepest thoughts when I am writing are during times of distress.

    I totally agree about when you stop going forward, you don't just stand still in your faith, you begin to fall back.

  2. Beautiful picture through your song! I agree with you, it is so easy to decide I'm doing good, and then as quickly as I do I'll end up falling down flat on my face. Praise the Lord, He can pick me back up again!

  3. Whew! Girl, you're hitting hard and heavy today.

    Really good stuff though.

  4. Hey, is it fine with you if I re-post your poem?


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