known and held

As I'm learning to lean on Truth to conquer insecurity, I keep coming back to Psalm 139.

"God, You have searched and known me. You encompass my paths, know my ways, and hear every thought and word. You have surrounded me with yourself. I can't even understand all of this! It's too much for my mind to comprehend. There is no place I can escape from your presence. No matter where I go, your right hand is there to uphold me.

You formed my inward parts. You know things about me I don't know. You created me meticulously, beautifully, lovingly, before I was even thought of here. All the works of your hands are marvelous - including me. You made me who I am and laid out the days of my life before they began.

How precious are your thoughts toward me! If only I knew. The earth is covered with sand, yet your thoughts for me are more numerous still than every grain. Know my heart. Know my anxieties. Cleanse me of what keeps me from the purpose for which you made me, and lead me in your paths of eternal life."

So, as I was reading it again this morning, I noticed it says "your right hand is there to uphold me." And I really don't know if it technically has significance or not (I haven't done any study or research...), but it just struck me as kind of awesome that, with everything God is in control of, out of everything he could possibly need his right hand for, he has it extended to me. The world is spinning around like mad, and God has his right hand stretched out to uphold me, no matter where I am.

That's just awesome. I am so important to Him! It doesn't even make sense.

Every time I read this psalm now, I think of this song. Listen. It's pretty.

"Savior, you have known me as I am. Healer, you have known me as I was, as I will be. In the morning, in the evening, you have known me. In my rising, in my sitting down, you see me as I am. And as a lover knows his beloved's heart - all the shapes and curves of her, even in the dark, Oh you have formed me in my inward parts, and You know me."

(If you have time, listen to a couple more of her songs. They're all really good.)

P.S. The above quote scripture is not an exact quote of any translation. It's the Caitlin Paraphrase.

[in]security

Thoughts from So Long, Insecurity. -Beth Moore

(Because this book is changing my life at the moment. I'm halfway through. Maybe I'll blog about the self revelation going on later. Maybe not. For now, some of my favorite thoughts, loosely quoted.)

He knows it's scary to be us. He does not take our suffering and pain lightly.

If what you went through translated as something huge to your heart,
it is huge to God on your behalf.

We live our lives screaming "somebody notice me!"
He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off us.

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
Ps. 139:1&17

"If I search around long enough, I'll find insecurity beneath my grandiosity and arrogant expectations beneath my self-contempt."
-Dr. Richard Winter


I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear.
(Isaiah 41:9-10)

I cannot put people in charge of my security without setting them up for failure.
I must stop using others as my mirror and start seeing myself as God alone sees me.
Valuable. Worthy. Beautiful.

If you could realize how valuable you really are,
your insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted.

She is clothed with strength and dignity.
(Proverbs 31:25)
You have... crowned them with glory and [dignity]
(Psalm 8:5)

We possess dignity because God Himself has it and created us in His image.
He crowned us with it.

If we knew who we were and what God has conferred upon us, what everybody else thought of us would grow less and less significant. God wills for us to walk out the depth and breadth of our lives with dignity and security.

You are my security, God.

Redirecting

He loves me with an everlasting love. Nothing I can do or say will ever sway the power of his love for me. He thinks of me night and day. He showers me with little gifts just because it makes his heart glad to see my smile. He is jealous of the things that take me away from him.

I have rejected him. I've run from him. I've left his body full of scars.
And still he loves me.
When I leave him, those arms that ached on the cross ache to hold me close.
His hands, the hands that I wounded, long to touch me with healing and comfort.

His love for me is so strong he would kill for me.

He did kill for me.
His own Self. His own Son. He made a sacrifice of his own flesh and blood.
So that I would know his love.

And then he conquered Death!
His love is so powerful that it shattered the reign of Death so that I could be with him!
Not only for proof of his love and power, but to give me the ability to share in it.

How can I not love Him?

This is the greatest story of love ever written. This man, my Lord, who is Love Himself, wants nothing so much as for me to be caught up with him in this beautiful extravagance of love. To share in his life. To share in his power. To know and be known.

He is beautiful. And I love him.

Goodybe, July

Thought I'd better write again before July was out. It is the last day of this fine month, you know.
I don't think I can coordinate my thoughts this morning, so a random smorgasbord of bullets is the order of the day.

• I'm currently eating cheese toast with tomatoes on it, courtesy of my friend Rebecca. She brought me a lovely block of Muenster from Wisconsin last week.
• 
• July has been a month of craziness.
• I made a successfully cute skirt a couple weeks ago.
• I need to go fix a seam in aforementioned skirt when I get off the computer.
• Yesterday I went to Six Flags again with some of my awesome friends.
• I have been so busy doing things with my friends this month that I am exhausted.
• Also, I have a cold.
• Wednesday was bad. It was very depressing. Erin gave me a string of yellow beads and that helped.
• My world is spinning around me like mad, but God's got it under control so there's no point in me freaking out about it.
• People are disappointing.
• God is faithful.
• People are also amazing.
• Thursday night I stayed up and colored a unicorn with my crayons. I think people should use crayons way more often.
• Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end, but I don't really know what "it" is. I have a feeling it's not going to, though.
• There is a fly that keeps buzzing around my head and it's driving me INSANE.
• I've been too busy for the past week and a half to journal, which is really sad because I've been busy doing stuff that begs to be written about.
• I've written more in my journal this past month than any other month in my life because I'm determined to remember. Recently I realized that I can't remember huge chunks of my life and it makes me sad. No, I mean seriously sad. Like I've lost part of my life, as if I had amnesia or something.
• God is amazing. I know I sound redundant, but when life goes crazy and you're forced to just spend time sitting alone in God's presence so you don't go crazy with it, that's when His beauty becomes so real.
• Sleepovers, a birthday party, a prayer retreat, a visit with old friends, six flags, VBS, are just a few of the things that have occupied my time and energy this month. And, may I say, they were all fantastically fun.
• As I'm writing, I'm listening to this video: Aaand you should listen to it too because that's my friend Janson and he's entered the Opening Act competition for a chance to open at Celebrate Freedom concert this year. Go watch it. It counts as a vote for him. :) Even if you don't care about the contest, I recommend checking it out anyways because it's a fantastic song.
• I could use some ice cream right now.
• Yesterday at six flags I was wishing I had put sunscreen on the back of my neck, but it was too late... then we noticed someone had left some spray-on SPF 50 sitting on a bench... thank you, random person, for forgetting your sunscreen. My neck is grateful. =)
• Bekka and I convinced Rebecca to get a spur-of the moment haircut while she was in town since she hated her hair. She loves it now. You're welcome, Bex. lol
• On the way back from the retreat, I spent hours talking in a British accent. During which time span this picture was taken. Starbucks' shaken iced tea/lemonade is delicious. Hat shops are less boring when silly boys and silly accents are involved.
  
• Egyptian bellydancing belts... haha. And it's ok if that didn't make sense to you. It won't make sense to most of you, but I felt like it had to be there.
  
• I kept up the accent until it was scared right out of me when I had to run across 4 lanes of scary traffic. O.o It didn't come back after that.
• If there's a cup over the ketchup pump at Zaxby's that means you probably don't want to consume that particular ketchup. Experience is a fantastic teacher.
• Looking at that pic reminds me I really need to work on my gangsta face.
• I won a game of Scrabble last night. Both the other girls I played with claimed to be champs. in yo face!
• I feel kinda bad this post is so disorderly, but I seriously am unable to write about everything in an orderly fashion right now, so it was this or nothin'.
• I never eat ice and yesterday my fingertips got all wrinkly from eating all the ice chips out of my cup at Applebee's.
• Um... I think I'm done for now. Happy weekend, people. <3
  

Just Today

foreward: This is a seriousish post about a conversation I had with God about me being single. If that disinterests you, you may tune out now. =D I wasn't going to post this on my blog, so it started out earlier today as a little note on Facebook. But now it's officially a blog post too, just in case any of you would happen to like it.

So...

I was going to do this as a blog post, but then I decided that
it wasn't blog worthy. Or too personal maybe? Or that people wouldn't like it.
Or think I'm weird. Or something. I don't know. Something kept me from posting
it on my blog, but I just wanted to share it. Mostly with Erin because we've
been talking about this kind of stuff lately. (contentment, trusting God,
relationships, talking to God... you know...)

Well, I had a revelation
the other night. Or maybe it was an epiphany, whatever that is. Or just a
realization.

I was lying in bed, trying to muster up the courage to tell
God "if you want me to be single for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that." I
do a lot of my talking to God at night, in case you haven't noticed. Anyways, I
really couldn't even manage "I am content to be single til I'm 42, if that's
your will for me, God." Because, honestly? I want God's will and only God's will
for my life, but how can I promise that I'm going to be content being single
every day for the rest of my life right now?!

And then the neatest little
thing happened. God said "You don't have to be content to be single for the rest
of your life. Just today."

Just today?
I thought I had to sign it all
over and say "Lord, I am ready to be an old maid for you! Let's do
this!"

And He was like "nope. Just today. That's all I really
want."

That makes SO MUCH SENSE!

I can live with being single
today. We're supposed to take life one day at a time anyways, right?
He gives
grace when we need it, and right now I don't NEED the grace to be content to be
a crazy old bird lady for the rest of my life. All I need right now is the grace
to serve joyfully where I am TODAY.

And I dunno if this is necessarily
scriptural, but why should I force myself to say "I'm content to be single
forever" when God hasn't said that's His will anyways? I don't know WHAT His
will for the future is.

But I must act on what I DO know of God's will,
and I DO know that TODAY I am supposed to be single.
I can deal with that.
=)

And sufficient grace for each new Today will come as it gets
here.

And if it turns out that I AM supposed to be single forever, well I
guess that'll be ok too, because not only will God give grace, but Erin has
agreed to be a crazy bird lady with me.
<3

It's Enough

I couldn't fall asleep.
So I just lay there, wishing I were asleep and thinking.

Thinking doesn't seem the right word. Sometimes at night your mind takes on a mind of it's own.
Thoughts bombard me in a swirling torrent, drowning the peace, keeping out sleep.
I wish they wouldn't do that.

"Good thing relationships are the most important thing in life," I said,
"they're the only thing I'm not a failure at."

Of course, everyone says that's not true - that I'm not a failure.
I know it's not true.
Funny thing, though - Feeling can be a lot stronger than Knowing.

For so, so long I've battled with those stupid Feelings.
They have names.
Feeling Pointless. Feeling Inferior. Feeling Aimless. Feeling Stuck.

The torrent keeps telling me about Everyone else. Whoever They are.
Everyone else has a Plan.
Everyone else is climbing their ladder to their Future.
Everyone else has Goals. Real, tangible goals.
Everyone else is succeeding!
Going places. Achieving things. Being Somebodies.

What do I have?
About five baskets of laundry to fold.
About that many siblings waiting for me to cook breakfast.

What am I doing?
Staying at home. Going to church. Doing laundry.
(Wait, no. Actually, I don't do laundry. It's such a circular chore. Progress feels impossible. Put away a load, and it's time to wash another. The key to avoiding defeat is total avoidance of whatever's defeating you. That logic is not sound.)


"So why don't you go to school?" They ask.

"God hasn't told me to."
It's not a cop-out. I promise.
I don't think they believe me.
I think they think I'm a bum.

"Maybe I am."

Then I figured it out.
An Aspiration. That's what I need!

"Something to strive for," I said, "a concrete Goal to give me daily purpose. Then I will feel Fulfillment!"

...

How do I get one of those?

So I asked God. I may have beat around the bush about it.

"You said it was Your Will for me to be at home at this point in my life, right? That was You, I'm sure of it. I thought Your Will was supposed to be fulfilling. It's not! The only thing for me to do here is laundry! That's not fulfilling. It's boring."

He didn't say anything.

"Look, Jesus. Everyone else is MOVING. See? I'm SITTING. I need a Goal. Please? Just flash some inspiration into my mind. Throw me a random passion I need to pursue for your glory. Those other people are becoming writers, counselors, teachers, nurses, whatevers. I want to become too! What am I supposed to Become?"

He still didn't say anything.
He certainly didn't just toss me an Aspiration out of the blue.
But He was listening. I could tell He was listening.

Sometimes you just need someone to listen.
This wasn't one of those times.
Sometimes you just want the answer.
This was one of those times.
Sometimes it gets annoying when the listener just watches you struggle to figure it out on your own.

(That happens in Pastor's classes sometimes.)

Frustrated, I started to cry.
I felt stupid for crying. My pillow grew uncomfortably wet as I questioned God.

"Why do I feel an emptiness? Why haven't you given me a clear path? Why am I at home? I'm twenty. I'm supposed to be accomplishing things. Isn't there some grander thing for me? Isn't there some higher goal?"

Exasperated, arms raised in the darkness, I asked aloud, "Is this ALL?!"

It was like the ceiling wasn't there and my words had all gone straight out to Him.
There was a moment of nothing.

"is it enough?"

From wherever my cry had gone, these words came back to me. They weren't mine.
I didn't think them. But they were there.

"Is It Enough?" He asked me.

I knew it was Him, because He has that crazy habit of answering a question with a question.
And you know what I said back?

I said I didn't know.
Then I went to sleep.

IS it enough? Is IT enough? Is it ENOUGH?

Day after day I repeat His question.
Why would He ask that if I was right to begin with and the answer was "no, it's not enough" ?
He must be trying to get me to say yes.

*introspection* Nope. No "yes"es here. It still doesn't feel like enough.

Saturday morning. Time for devotions. I've never liked that word.
Pastor gave us homework on Wednesday:
Read John 17 every day this week.
So I read John 17 again. (I love that chapter. My favorite part is verse 24)

I checked the homework section on Wednesday's notes to see what else I was supposed to do.

"Do Something About God's Glory" it said.
No questions about what that means. It was printed in big letters on the other side of the page:
"Giving God Glory = DOING WHAT GOD GIVES ME TO DO"

It told me, "Focus on the question Am I doing what God gave me to do?"

"Well, God... what have you given me to do?" I asked bluntly.

I don't think God rolls his eyes at us.
I would have rolled my eyes at me, though.
But He just watched me sit there thinking for a minute.
I asked Him again.

"We've already been through this whole thing how You won't give me an Aspiration.
So what HAVE you given me?"

Then you know what He said?

Laundry.

I'm serious.
So. Serious.

Then He decided to be a little conversational.
He said
"You were right about My Will, insomuch as I want you to be at home as opposed to going to school or working full time. You got that part a long time ago, but it looks like you've been waiting for some Bigger And Better Will, though, and that's not happening. You need to remember that My Will is bigger and better than what you presently see. Accept it for what it is now, and we can move on to the next step when we get there."

I interrupted.
"But if I'm doing your will, why do I feel like I'm failing? Why do my days feel pointless? Why does it feel like a standstill?"

"Because," He replied, "You ARE standing still. You're where I told you to be, but you're not doing what I told you to do. Unless you're doing what I tell you to do, when and where I tell you to do it, you're not really doing My Will, are you?"

"Oh. That makes a lot of sense." I said.
I didn't say that aloud, but if words in your mind can sound crestfallen, mine did.

Like a gently reprimanding father teaching his child to recognize his own mistakes, he questioned me again. I felt like I was six years old again.

"And what is it that you have been given to do?"
"... housework...."
"Specifically."
"... I like cooking..."
"Stop dallying and just say it. You know what I'm talking about. I already told you to begin with."
"Laundry."

Then you know what He said?
He said "That's right. Whatever I have given you to do, do it. This is my will."

I have never before felt so enlightened, foolish, and disappointed all at once.
What a menial task.

"I figured out the problem. For real this time. Well actually -" I interrupted myself, "God showed me.
His will for me is to do the laundry."

Sweet words to my mother's ears.

When I say laundry, I mean it literally as well as broadly- encompassing all the little no-fun things that must be done to maintain order in a home brimful of people. I'm not exactly thrilled that this is God's will for me right now. But these are the things that need to be done Here, and I'm certain that Here is where He wants me.

I'm also certain that it's a step. You know those steps Everyone Else is climbing?
This is my step.
It just looks different from theirs. And one day I'll be on the next step. God's Will for Right Now won't be the same forever - The Present calls for menial labor. Maybe the Future will be a little shinier. Maybe.

This is where it becomes important for me to find my identity and worth in Christ and His Glory.

Let's face it - you're probably not going to be really impressed with me if we're all hanging out and you ask everyone what God has us doing right now.

Someone will probably say God has them on their way to Pensacola Christian College or something peachy like that.
Someone else will probably say God has them working a crazy stressful full time job.
Someone else might even be taking a little break from work or school to really "focus on God" and "find His will", which is dandy.

And then you know what I will say?
God has me at home doing my family's laundry and making killer chocolate cookies.

Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a lot less impressive. (except about the cookies. you should try one)
As a matter of fact, to some people it sounds downright lazy.

But nobody can say, "You're crazy. That is not God's will."
Because God already told me, "This is my will for you, love. It is enough."

Happy Presidents' Day!

• I didn't realize it was Presidents' Day until the mail never came.
• Pairs skating last night was cool
  
• I miss all the chocolate and valentines from working at preschool.
• I made a new hat this week but haven't photographed it yet.
• Alicia, Katey, and I made a Valentine's garland for their house.
  
• Construction paper, glue, glitter and markers make me HAPPY!
• Katey and I made cupcakes, too.
• God is good, even when life is cruddy.
• "Your Hands" by JJ Heller- new favorite song. See above.
• Laura and I went out with some girlfriends tonight for Valentine's Day.
• Sushi is good!
• Coffee is better!
• Choir's going into overdrive for Easter. YAY!
• I need another cup of mint tea.
• This week is chock full of stuff. Fun stuff.
  
• I'm happy.

Have a good week!

Impromtu Confessional

Drowned in good intentions
Changing is a fight
Ghosts of resolutions
haunt me, mocking in the night

I stop to reevaluate
Who I am and what I’ve done
And realize I’ve begun to hate
The other person I’ve become

I can’t seem to escape from me
Become the one I want to be
It looks like what they say is true
Your own worst enemy is you

The self I want to be drags me deeper
Cause I know I can’t reach that high

Cost of complacency’s getting steeper
Why’s it so hard to do what’s right?

This metamorphosis
Is taking too long
My pride and apathy
Have proved my better self wrong

Perfection’s always out of reach
Eluding my best efforts still
I’ll settle for a better me
But can I conquer my own will?

My feeble inability
Held the answer all along
This battle’s ending on my knees
Bringing me back where I belong

That's a song I wrote this summer. The italics are my favorite part. :)
One day I was feeling very let-down and disappointed in myself, and some thoughts just started swirling around. Decided I'd better write them down before they flew away. So, I did. And I worked on them for about two hours, had the song mostly formed, and then it just stopped. The creativity ran out, and I only had about four phrases I knew needed help. So, I left it alone and forgot about it.

Just the other day I remembered it, pulled up the file, and tweaked those few phrases.
Now I'm happy with it.

It's the song of my summer. As I said, it's been fun. However, if I'm being completely honest, spiritually it's been a drag. Which is MY fault, I know. Mostly I just used God as a crutch for the hard times, and threw a few "thank you, Jesus!"es up to the sky when something made me happy. And while I've been praying for a few people regularly, I haven't kept up the open line of communication prayer is supposed to be.

And here's the terrible part: I know this. It's not like I've blindly slipped into lukewarm Christianity. It starts out as complacency. "I'm doing pretty good at this Christian thing." Always a mistake. As many times as it's been said, when you stop moving forward, you start sliding backward. But I'm not posting a sermon here. lol If I am, it's for me.

The other terrible part is that the song is true, up til the last verse. I haven't got down on my knees and made things right yet. My human nature is being the ugliest it's been in a while. I was singing mindlessly along with the radio the other day. "Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition and the poison of my pride, and any foolish thing my heart holds to. Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You." And all of a sudden I realized I was singing a lie. I don't want to be unselfish. I don't want to surrender. And I don't really even know why, because I do know that when I'm fully surrendered to God, it's the most awesome thing in the world. To just have that openness between yourself and the Creator of the Universe is indescribably beautiful. So why am I rejecting it?!

Hm. I didn't really mean to write a confessional. Then again, maybe I did. Guess I felt like I needed to be completely honest with myself and everybody.
But now you know.
And so do I.
And so does God.

It's time for a change.

Becoming

This afternoon was spent tidying my room, having random, sporadic conversation with friends, and making chicken pot pie. Pleasant occupations, if you ask me. I decided to wash the sinkful of dirty dishes I had created, and as I began to scrub chicken and flour off various utensils, a contemplative mood came upon me. Weird, eh? Washing dishes does that to me sometimes.

Somewhere between recalling a conversation about how fast time flies and assessing my own personality, I remembered a statement I read somewhere. By the time you finish high school you will have become the person you will be for the rest of your life. Or something like that, anyways. I suppose it means that your personality, likes, and dislikes are pretty much cemented. Character flaws apparent, strong points developed. Maybe the fundamentals of who you are have been laid, but that can't mean you'll be at 80 the same person you were at 18.

But that got me thinking. I'm 19 - have I become the person I want to be for the rest of my life?
The answer was yes and no.

Ever since I was able, I've liked myself. Which sounds rather vain, doesn't it? People who acted like someone they weren't never made sense to me. Why would you want to go through the trouble of being someone other than yourself?!
(When I was about 14 and realized I wasn't "cool," it made a little more sense. I recall wishing I was a different person then.)

I like who I am now, but I don't want to stay the same. Of course, I doubt staying the same would be possible. People are bound to learn and change as time passes, for better or worse. But I don't want to just be shaped by what happens to me. I want to be the person climbing the escalator even it as it takes me forward (metaphorically speaking. ;-) I usally like to stand still on real escalators and watch the people go by).

It doesn't make a lot of sense to say that I'm happy with who I am, but I don't want to stay that way. I guess what I mean is that there can always be a better me. Being me is good. I want to always be the Caitlin we know and love, but working to be the best version possible. I don't expect to ever get there. Not on earth, anyways. Til I die, there will always be more to learn, and perfection being impossible, always some flaw to overcome.

Sometimes I think I could have made a little more progress by now, but I know I'm on the right path. Sometimes I like where I am and want to stop and dawdle for a while. Usually when that happens, I somehow manage to slip backwards a step or two before I realize I need to keep going. Sometimes I want to run, but I just can't become as good as I want to be as fast as I would like. (Sometimes I like using metaphors and then think they sound stupid. However, I don't feel like deleting this paragraph!) Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry because being good can get so darn hard. And sometimes I do. Then I get angry at myself. And then my Perfect Father reminds me that I can't do anything by myself, and if I would just look, I'd see that all my progress was because He was with me, not because I'm just that awesome.



And now I have that Switchfoot song stuck in my head.

This is your life, and today is all you've got now.
This is your life, and today is all you'll ever have.

This is your life
- are you who you want to be?

Ramblings on a Snowy Day

Hello friends!

At the moment, this blog post doesn't have a name. When I have a topic for a blog post, or it's Monday, I know what the title should be. This time, I'm just sitting down to write because I feel like rambling. Since I don't even know what I'm going to ramble about, it's hard to pick a title. Unless I just christen it "Ramblings" but I think I've done that before.

Please excuse me a moment while I fetch some hot cocoa.
Mmm... creamy, chocolatey goodness.
So perfect with the beautiful snow outside.

That's right. Snow! It's so cool! I've only seen big fluffy flakes falling like this once in my life before. How sad is that. (or at least, only once that I remember) All the other snow has been "Wait! there goes one! ..." "Well, the forecaster did say "chance of flurries!"
It's funny to have snow today. Yesterday I went for a walk in 70 degree sunshine and blue skies.
I'll bet the northerners have fun laughing at us Georgians for holing up as soon as any form of ice shows up on the weather channel. :D

Due to the weather, choir practice and evening service for tonight are cancelled. This makes me sad. However, I intend to fully enjoy this afternoon. If only I had another BBC drama to curl up and watch! It'd be even better if I could be with my crazy friends who love to watch BBC dramas with me. (such as like Katey and Katie...) We could practice our fake accents together. Sometimes when we're together, we just start talking in our Elizabeth Bennet accents and don't even realize we're doing it til Mrs. Lisa tells us to knock it off. Movie nights are the best.

My yellow lemon drop earrings are missing.

Yesterday I was sitting on the back porch watching the clouds. One of them looked like a heart.
And it's fun to think maybe God made that cloud look like a heart just to make me smile. He might not have, but it's possible. And whether or not it was just for me, it's still good to recognize pretty little things you might not have noticed, but did, and be thankful for them.

I noticed lately that when you look at things with God, He shows you lots of little stuff that you would have passed over if it were just you.

Well, I'm done with my cocoa, and the urge to ramble has been satiated, so I'm off to take some picture. I suppose those will be for my next post. :)

Have a pleasant Sunday.
me

It's Christmas!

I had just typed this whole lovely post, and went to add a picture, and it vanished. The whole thing. All brilliantly typed at the last minute before I was to go to bed. Gone. The page froze, and I waited and waited, hoping against hope it would come back to life. It was a good post.
Alas.

Tis gone.

But I had just been saying that Christmas eve was productive and relaxing. The annual viewing of It's A Wonderful Life was quite satisfactory. So was dinner.

Now, I post this beautiful song to serve as a reminder.

Start at the manger on a cold winter night
Look for the star in the sky
and follow its light
It leads to a Savior for a world that is lost
Start
at the manger, then go to to the cross

Start at the manger at the
child in the hay
The gift of our Father in heaven,
the price He would
pay
To save all His children no matter the cost
Start at the manger, then
go to the cross

Imagine that you own the wealth of the world
All
of its silver and gold
What good will it do when tomorrow arrives
And
your heart is empty and cold

Start at the manger where redemption
began
When Jesus stepped down from His throne to die as a man
All of our
riches we will count them as loss
If we start at the manger, then go to
the cross.

Youth choir's singing that this Sunday. It's going to be so pretty. How amazing that Jesus chose to come down here and live like us, and with us to show us how we can live like Him, and with Him. He came, he lived, he died, he rose, and he lives again! We have such cause to rejoice!

Speaking of rejoicing, one of my (lesser, but great) reasons is .... *drumroll* Six Flags season passes!! My favorite!! That's what this family's getting for Christmas. I can't wait til they open! I'm so excited!! **squee!!**

I'm also getting a set of super great period dramas - think Jane Eyre, and Pride and Prejudice. (I picked it out myself, but it's wrapped and under the tree, so I think I'll pretend to be surprised just for the fun of it. I'm a terrible actor, though.)

Anyways, I've rewritten most of my former post now. **yawn** It's Christmas day!! The tree is twinkling in the dark, and the metallic gift bows are sparkling underneath it. There's a balmy breeze blowing in through the open windows, and the sound of the gentle rainfall is making me drowsy. (nothing like a Georgia Christmas) I've already got a pot of coffee ready to be turned on in the morning, so I think it's time to snuggle down in my bed, and drift off to sleep with my Josh Groban christmas music playing... Visions of sugarplums and rollercoasters, Mr. Darcy, and all that sort of thing, you know. ;-)

Wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you're doing, I wish you a very happy Christmas. We are so blessed!

Love, Caitlin

It's not Thanksgiving any more!

So, my thanksgiving post is late. But just because it's not thanksgiving any more doesn't mean we should stop being thankful. What if we all remembered to be thankful ALL the time?
Counting my blessings takes ages.

A - Awanas. Apple cider - which would be good right now. My throat hurts. Advent -which we're celebrating this year!
B - Boys (and I mean that in a totally innocuous way. Boys of all ages. They're fun!)
C - Church. Coffee. My name. Choir.
D - Daddy.
E - Evening time. Email
F - Friendship, Food, Fun
G - God's Grace
H - Holy Spirit. He has to remind me of so many things so often. Hugs.
I - Intercession. I love knowing that I can help my friends through prayer.
J - Joy.Real joy. Not circumstantial happiness. :)
K - Katey and Alicia. (they just go together like that)
L - Laughter, Love
M - Music. Mama. and my "other mothers," Marmee and Mom.
N - New friends!! I gained a couple of new friends this year. Yay! (Rae, Becca, and church peeps.)
O - Orthodontics. ... I WILL have pretty teef one day.
P - Popcorn. PEACE. Peace comes first, actually.
Q - Quiet.
R - Rain. Relatives. Random rambling. Reading.
S - Singing!! Sunshine, Stars, Siblings.
T - Tall shoes. Teaching.
U - Umbrellas. **I'm siiingin' in the rain, just siiingin' in the rain..."
V - Vincent, my crazy little green bird.
W- Walking. Waiting. Yes, I can be thankful for waiting.
X - X. I'm thankful for the letter X. ... mostly because I can't think of any X words. It's a nifty letter.
Y - Yogurt? I'm thankful for that. ... I can't think of many Y things either.
Z - Zippers. Where would we be without them? Zippers and Zeros.

Be thankful, people. :) I hope you had a great thanksgiving.
I'm looking forward to leftovers tomorrow.
<3

15 Random Things

I read this on somebody's blog. At the end it says "your turn."
I took it literally. You should too.
lol

1. I just ate a large scoop of mayfield chocolate ice cream. Yum.
2. I still want to go to Starbucks. Caramel macchiato, please.
3. Spell check says "macchiato" is wrong. It suggests Machiavelli.
4. I read The Prince by Machiavelli and liked it.
5. I have ten orders to pack tonight, and ship tomorrow.
6. There is an amazing pair of silverware handle earrings making their way to my house.
7. I bought a ginormous salad at O'Charley's last night, and wish I hadn't. It was good, though.
8. Fried green tomatoes are delicous. Especially when you have the added satisfaction of cooking them yourself.
9. My Life Lesson Monday post was kind of lame, I think. I need better life lessons.
10. I don't include enough of God in my blog posts... If he's such a huge part of my life, you'd think He'd be more apparent in my blog. Bad me.
11. Yesterday the youth choir sang for the evening service. I heard we did awesome. Which was great news, because all I heard was me and Sadie singing alto. lol
12. Actually, our choir is "teens and twenties," but that's harder to say. It's a combination of the youth group and the College and Career class. And it's a lot of fun. yay!
13. Regular choir is fun too. I love being in choir.
14. My hair is blonde again. It's more like strawberry blonde, since we didn't take all the red out.
I'm gradually going back to my natural color.
15. Your turn.

Me in my blonder hair and Sparks uniform.

Introspective Reflection

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I'll be going back to teach preschool this fall. I feel like I won't be. Or at least, I'm not anticipating it. I'm just waiting rather calmly to see what happens, but still... I feel like it's pretty much settled that I'll be staying home, even though nobody's said so for sure. Maybe that unfounded uncertainty is actually God preparing me? I don't know. But I was hit with a realization the other day - I only want to go back for selfish reasons.

Not because "God told me to" or "I feel it's my calling." No. I want to go back because:

I like being needed.

like I'm not needed at home, right?

I like being with the kids. It's fun.

I need to be with my own brothers and sisters.
I need to work on our relationships.
I want to be like Brittany Antonion in the way that she is so sweet and so motherly and so best-friendsy with her siblings- and I know they have fun together.

I like being in charge.

I'm in charge at home, too. sort of.

Only it's so much easier to be in charge in a nice way when it's not your family.
why is that?

I like being with the other adults. Even though I'm the kid out of the bunch. It makes me feel like a "big kid"... Like I'm important.

As if helping and loving my own family isn't important.

I like having a reason to be up and at 'em early in the morning.

Like I don't have a reason at home.
I just don't make myself get up and attend to those reasons.

I like getting a paycheck.

... okay, so I can't counter that one with a different source of money, but looking at the big picture, being home is so much more worth it, right?
"My God will supply all thy needs..."

And it was somewhat of a breakthrough when I realized this next one - This is the clincher.

I really like the security of being able to tell people that I have a job.

"So, you're going to college, right?"
"no..."
"Oh?! Well, then. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I work at a preschool" is SO much more "socially acceptable" than
"I stay at home. But I know I'm doing what God wants me to do right now."
It's so much safer when you can tell people you have a job.

And there are just a few people that I really love, and have really missed this summer. But I guess nobody's to say I can't visit them.

So, it sounds to me like I need to learn to love my family deeper.
That's sad. That I would rather give my mornings to a bunch of preschoolers I'll only know for a year than my family. That makes me really disappointed in myself.

This post started as a journal entry probably two weeks ago. I was just thinking and writing. And my little ramble about wanting to go back turned into a realization - and a discovery of my selfish motives.

It's true. They're all selfish. And knowing that they're selfish reasons, and that staying home is the "Godly Womanhood" way to go doesn't make me any happier about it. Not that I feel I'm resigned to doom and misery. I'm not really upset or anything. I know if I don't work, and stay home, I will grow and learn. I will honestly try to become the godliest little me that I can be. But I like working. And I like getting a paycheck. And I like the security. I feel like people will automatically assume that I must be a lazy, pointless, drop-out type, or like I "haven't got my act together yet" when I tell them I stay at home.
I know for certain that a LOT of people think things along those lines about stay at home moms.
And I admit it. I'm scared of what people think of me.
And yes, I know there's no reason to be.

But maybe it's just time for me to be as insecure as I've ever been. Maybe I'm supposed to be afraid and insecure, and learn to get over it. Or, more aptly, learn to realize that my ever-present Father is the only security I need, and the only True security I'll ever have. Not just know. There's something deeper to that word, realize.

I'm selfish, and I guess that's all there is to it. But I really do want what God wants, so we'll see what He's got in mind, won't we?

It's like a battle, and I'm standing on the wrong side of the field. I'm not actively fighting. I'm just standing, looking over to the side I ought to be on. But even though I know it's safer over there, and even though I know I'll be fighting for the right things over there, I'm scared to cross over.

From the Mind of a Double-Anti-Contemporarian

So, after my last blog post, I waited for a comment. I thought surely it was worthy of at least one, from someone, somewhere.

And then Zach posted this note in reply. He was going to leave a comment, but it got a little long-winded. I liked it rather a lot, so here it is.

It's worth the read, but if you don't like big words, don't bother trying. :) lol
_____________________________________________________________

I think I'm becoming re-addicted to this stupid venting thing they call 'blogging'...anyway, this started out as a comment on Caiti Butler's blog about going to a contemporary-worship service. Miss Butler grew up in a traditionalist environment, as did I. In fact, my mind was so unused to feeling syncopation that it fought back while listening to Charlotte Church and received an ache...yes, the 'classical' music of Charlotte Church used to give me headaches! Ah, and at the age of 13 I did a 'wild' thing of smuggling an Enya CD into my bedroom and listening to it from start-to-finish. Though I now listen to a smattering of hardcore and bang my head against some heavy metal, I still can't stand the ear-damaging noise-level of rock concerts...

Yes, very applicable blog to our divisionistic human natures. Perhaps this anti-traditionalist (or, better put, nor really anti-traditionalist as anti-anti-contemporary...h

mm, double-anti-contemporary, I like that...) blog should've been entitled 'Praise the Lord, yo!' instead of your Shakespearean form? Hehe...jp.

When was the last time anti-contemporary-ists checked the context before quoting John 4:23?

"But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him."

They use this passage to 'prove' that our worship should be in the 'truth' of classical structures. Yet this passage is of 'the woman at the well', and it immediately follows their conversation about Jews worshiping in Jerusalem but Samaritans in their little hills. I.e., this verse is saying that Jesus came to put an end to the formalities and forms of worship. Our body is the New Temple, and as such we may worship God in our 21st-century Jerusalems, as well as our Samaritan hills. Which antagonizes another point brought up by anti-contemporary-ists, that the Old Testament proves that God desires a specific kind of worship. Amen to that, but the specific type of music we use to express our loyalty and love is no longer given to our American equivalent of Levite musicians at the Jerusalem Temple. Yes, God desires a specific kind of worship--as this passage says, in 'spirit' and 'truth'--but neither imply the avoidance of pulse-heightening songs. But still anti-contemporary-ists insist upon using this passage to 'prove' that our worship should be in their traditionalist 'Jerusalem'.

On the issue of the healthiness of Rock, many cite early deaths of rock stars. To counter that evidence, all one needs to do is consider for a moment all the other factors possibly involved in the poor health of such persons. Still, I cede the fact that living in the non-ending presence of deafening noise could be adverse to one's health. But does that mean a little is bad? We know too much work can kill you...but does that mean we should avoid it completely? Also, a heightened pulse is a natural effect of emotion...so, should we have no emotion in our worship?

Concordance definition of 'spirit':

2) the spirit, i.e. the vital principal by which the body is animated

a) the rational spirit, the power by which the human being feels, thinks, decides

b) the soul

4) the disposition or influence which fills and governs the soul of any one

a) the efficient source of any power, affection, emotion, desire, etc.

Concordance definition of 'truth':

truth as a personal excellence

1) that candour of mind which is free from affection, pretence, simulation, falsehood, deceit

If anything, 'truth' is double-anti-contemporary, free of biased affection for old hymns (and thus disaffection with contemporary worship), free of the pretense and simulation of ritualized worship, free of the falsehood and deceit which says that we must worship in Jerusalem. Having said all this, bleurgh on the awful mimic-quality of most contemporary musicians, and bleurgh on their awfully repetitive and shallow choruses--CCM artists are often like boys seeing how many times they can make a rock skip across a pond, without acknowledging that treasures lie in the depths of dark waters. But are hymns' depth worth anything more than this, if our mind dips its big toe in just enough to flick some droplets of words up into our mouths? Let us now worship our Lord in spirit and in truth, without the dumbingly-stupid and repetitively-redundant shallowness of most CCM, but neither chained by the Pharisaical belief that non-syncopated songs--or anything other than Grace--leads to holiness.

Praise Ye The Lord

Praise the Lord, O my soul.
While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being.
(Ps. 146:1&2)

Sunday morning, Laura and I went to church with Aunt Cindy, Uncle Guy, and Alli. I'm so glad we did. My visit there was like a little revelation of sorts. The message was a tremendous blessing, but the spirit of worship is what really ministered to me.

I've grown up in more "traditional" style Independent Baptist type churches all my life. Being so, I expected it to be totally awkward and hard to focus on actually worshiping. It's been that way most of the other times I've visited churches that weren't what I've been used to.

I've been brought up around people who sometimes tend to judge others by whether or not they wear skirts, or use a specific version of the Bible, or hold different opinions on music. Sometimes the assumption is made that if others are worshiping differently, it must not be true worship. Like if they do such and such, they must not be as sincere as we folk with stricter standards, and more old fashioned beliefs. Not that I believed those things, but visiting Bridgeway was such a contradiction to those assumptions and judgements. I could really feel the presence of God Sunday morning, and it was so sweet to see how everyone was bent on worshiping Him, and giving Him glory. It was plain to see that the main goal there is to serve God.

And all of that mad me think how sometimes we "traditionalists" miss out on the joy of worship. So many times people will just stand there, mechanically singing their saintly old- time hymns with their orchestra, letting the "contemporary" people do all the real, sincere, joyful worshipping. I've seen a room full of people singing hymns of joy and thanksgiving, and their faces looked as if they were at a funeral. Of course, you could sing the popular praise songs just as mechanically...

This isn't a debate on music or styles, and I still prefer hymns to most modern praise choruses, but I guess my point is that true worship comes from the heart. It should be sincere and joyful. Thankful. And it should cause you to reflect on how small you are, and how great God is. All of our being should be consumed with praising the One who deserves more praise and love than we could ever give.

It was really nice Sunday to experience that joyful, humble, sincere worship in a different setting.

That's all. :)

The Longest Valentine

I know it's late, but it's still Valentine's Day. :)

I hope you've had a nice day. I got lots of chocolates from my preschoolers yesterday and today. That was really nice. Honestly, I've just wanted to pig out and eat them all up. But I haven't!

My favorite in the 3 year old class is Julia. She calls me Aunt Caitlin. I don't know why, but I awfully like it. lol She's not my favorite because of that, though. Her little valentine said "to Aunt Caitlin" on it, which I thought was sweet, since her mommy wrote it for her. And I almost wrote "from Aunt Caitlin" on the one I gave her, but I didn't want her mom to freak out and be all like "Who does this girl think she is, calling herself "Aunt Caitlin"?!" ...anyways. Yes, it's just a silly little nothing, but I like being a fake aunt. LOL

I wanted to write a thought-provoking, eloquent post. It didn't work out. I specifically told Anne that I didn't want to just sit and ramble til I end up saying something, but that's what I'm doing now - apparently it's what I'm best at.

So. Valentine's Day. We've never made a big deal of it around here. Our aunt usually sends us something sweet. Isn't that nice of her! But that's about it. Not that I don't like it. It's just not a big deal.

I think it's sad that so many people think a romantic relationship is necessary for complete happiness. It's not. There is only one relationship that will make a person complete. What people fail to see a lot of the time is that if you have a thriving relationship with God, everything else will fall into place. In His time, of course, and in His way (which may or may not be pleasant for you), but if you truly have a right relationship with Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, you will have a surpassing joy and peace and fulfillment that can't even compare with the strongest, most devoted, fairy-tale, human love.

And here I insert that I haven't the time and energy at this moment to define "right relationship" and the differences in what we call "happiness" and holy peace and joy. Although if anyone would like for me to expound, I would be happy to some day (soon?) when I have a little more "umph" in me. :D

Nor is this to say that I'm not like every other girl who wants a Prince Charming, either.

But it is awfully thrilling to know that I'm a Princess of the King of Kings, and he loves me with the most perfect, completely incomprehensible love ever. The Charmingest of all Prince Charmings can never live up to the love I already receive.

God is love. We've all heard it over and over, right? But think about it. What is love? It's hard to define. There are so many different kinds of love, and ways of showing love. Everything you can think of that is love, God is.

I said this last year during Valentine's season, but I'll say it again. It stands to reason that the God who *is* love is not limited to "types" of love. His love must be unmeasurably the strongest parental love, the sweetest brotherly love, and the most passionate romantic love together; the perfect love "which passeth knowledge." For as long as God is, we can't define love in it's fullest. It's beyond us. He is love. Selfless, giving, forgiving, eternal, unconditional love.

Don't be discouraged or lose hope when you're going through a tough time. You don't know how it's working things out to your good. I pray that God will grant you strength to bear it, so that you will be able to understand just how strong, and powerful is this love that passes all human understanding, and gives you such fulfillment in life. Give glory to Him; He can do more for you than you could ever even think to ask for.
( a very short, Caitlin translation of Eph. 3:13-21)

1st John 3:1(a.) "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God"

Upon confessing our unworthiness, and accepting Christ's love (that he was already giving, even though we weren't responsive), we are drawn into His family and are worthy to be called the children of God. Kind of like the earthly way of a bride becoming part of the groom's family.

There are points I haven't covered, but I already mentioned that I was too tired to hit them all. I think it would take too long, too. You guys probably don't want a book out of me. LOL I promise, I don't count myself an expert, either, so do speak up if you have a word. :)

So, my basic point is this: I like Valentine's Day. I'm all for romance. But if LOVE himself doesn't satisfy you, kisses and roses from a human aren't going to, no matter how perfect they are, or how happy they make you feel. Think about God's love, and rest in him. He wants to be loved back too, so don't ignore the One who loves you most.

All said, if you're reading this, I must love you in some sort of way, and I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. :)
~Princess Caitlin

P.S. This is probably the longest valentine note you've ever gotten.