A list from the wedding weekend

 Funny how a happy occasion can leave you with the sads...

Things that form a lump in my throat at my youngest brother’s wedding:

• My middle brother hugs me, and in this hug, I feel my dad.

• Mama cries silent little tears as she walks up the aisle and takes a seat.

• My baby brother stands at the altar, so young and handsome in his blue suit.

Things that make me cry in earnest at my youngest brother’s wedding:

• The bride is walking down the aisle and I suddenly recognize the instrumental is “Forever and Ever, Amen.”

• My brother’s eyes are shining, full of awe and pride, maybe fear, definitely joy.

• The maid of honor is the bride’s sister, and her lips wobble the same as mine when the couple face each other at the altar.

• During the mother-son dance, I say I’m proud of who he’s grown up to be. My friend says, “You should be. You had a lot to do with that.” I hope she’s right.

Things that don’t seem to affect me, but that I sob about later, when I’m alone:

• My mom and her boyfriend enter the reception. The DJ announces, “the mother and father of the groom.”

• I haven’t seen Pepa since Mema’s funeral, and there he is, and she is not.

• The groom dances with his wife, and he is a man, and I know that I don’t know who he is.

• There is no photo taken of all of us, together, the siblings, just us, on this day.

• I live so, so far away.