Funny how a happy occasion can leave you with the sads...
Things that form a lump in my throat at my youngest brother’s wedding:
My middle brother hugs me, and in this hug, I feel my dad.
Mama cries silent little tears as she walks up the aisle and takes a seat.
My baby brother stands at the altar, so young and handsome in his blue suit.
Things that make me cry in earnest at my youngest brother’s wedding:
The bride is walking down the aisle and I suddenly recognize the instrumental is “Forever and Ever, Amen.”
My brother’s eyes are shining, full of awe and pride, maybe fear, definitely joy.
The maid of honor is the bride’s sister, and her lips wobble the same as mine when the couple face each other at the altar.
During the mother-son dance, I say I’m proud of who he’s grown up to be. My friend says, “You should be. You had a lot to do with that.” I hope she’s right.
Things that don’t seem to affect me, but that I sob about later, when I’m alone:
My mom and her boyfriend enter the reception. The DJ announces, “the mother and father of the groom.”
I haven’t seen Pepa since Mema’s funeral, and there he is, and she is not.
The groom dances with his wife, and he is a man, and I know that I don’t know who he is.
There is no photo taken of all of us, together, the siblings, just us, on this day.
“Sorry, I can’t. The doctor said stress isn’t good for the baby. (I’m the baby.)”
I love that joke. When they say “it takes a village,” they usually mean caring for a baby. I’m the baby.
I had a gnarly surgery back in February which involved a little slice under my tongue and a bigger slice under my jaw, to remove an ill-behaved salivary gland. My mindset leading up was “no big deal, I had my wisdom teeth out as a teenager. I sat around with an ice pack and watched movies for 2 days. How bad could it be?” Turns out, pretty dang bad. I was miserable, and deeply unprepared for that misery.
So, when the itinerant salivary stone, which had escaped from its infectious glandular prison during Surgery 1, caused a new infection leading to the need for Surgery 2 in July, I started making noise. “Pray for me,” “bring me soup,” “wish me luck,” “I’m so nervous,” “I need help.”
Behold my 1 cm long calcium deposit shaped like a grain of rice. It now lives in a jar.
Fun fact: I HATE asking for help. Loathe it with a red-hot passion. You know the videos of the burning hot metal balls landing on and melting various objects? The objects are the tender, personal wants and needs of my delicate heart, all sizzled into deformity by the hot iron ball of my refusal to ask for support. But I did it, because I was deeply afraid of Everything Sucking As Bad As Or Worse Than Last Time.
And here’s what happened:
Maddie and her toddler took me to the hospital.
Heather sat with me after surgery, held my hand while I cried until the painkillers kicked in, and took me home.
Lexi brought me bone broth - all I could manage to “eat” for two days.
Emily offered baby cuddles.
Ashley brought tomato bisque.
RyAnne brought potato soup and applesauce.
Megan and Naomi brought gazpacho.
Kelci brought me chia pudding.
Prayers went up. Texts flooded in. I had to turn down offers for more food because my fridge was already full of wholesome, no-chewing-required meals. My well-being was on people’s minds, and I could see it, feel it, and taste it. This is what it is to be loved well, to be part of a community. It (whatever it is) takes a village, and my village showed up.
And I felt guilty! This surgery was leagues easier than the last one. Everything went so seamlessly. The recovery was far less fraught and painful. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally easier in every way. Surgery was Tuesday morning, and I felt almost normal by Wednesday night, besides for the stitches under my tongue.
It’s been a week now, and every time someone has reached out and said “feel better soon!” “I hope you’re doing okay!” “praying for your healing!” I’ve felt like a FRAUD. If they were so busy caring about me, I should have been busy being more miserable! What a waste of all that asking for help, to turn out pretty much fine! If they were going to support me during my suffering, I should have SUFFERED!
Anyway, I don’t have some grand point I’m getting to. This surgery was a lot easier. And I did still need support. And, I reckon if my friends wanted me to feel better soon, they’re probably glad I did. It was good practice in flexing my Community Mindset Muscle, and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.
what’s better than unexpected mail? unexpected possum
Let me raid several closets for a wedding guest outfit.
incredibly sacrificial to buy such cute stuff from me…
So, you could say I’m feeling pretty loved and supported. And, I guess, getting slightly more comfortable asking for help—just don’t expect me to stop saying “no worries if not” yet.
2021 Zwei Oktoberfest. This was the first time I wore this hat. And the last - I left it at Zwei, never to be seen again.
I learned the hard way that Oktoberfest is not for drinking in October. You might get lucky and find some, but your favorite brewery might also be sold out already because their limited-run falltime nectar got slurped up during the September Oktoberfest rush and there were nary but dregs left for the latecomers mere weeks later.
So, this year, I was ready. I made a list of my favorite local breweries. I noted their Oktoberfest release dates. And over the course of several September weekends, I did it.
I conducted my Unofficial Official Fort Collins Oktoberfest Taste Test Tour: One woman’s subjective journey to identify the Oktoberfest most pleasing to her palate. The weather was beautiful. The beer was delicious. And, sadly, because I ordered before my husband on most occasions, my ale photos are lacking in head.
Without further ado, here it is — my Fort Collins Oktoberfest Taste Test.
Me and hubsband at Odell’s on the first night of the taste test tour.
I didn’t get every brewery. I didn’t use a specific scoring rubric. I just drank beer and wrote down what I thought. Please also note, my ratings here are going to be misleading. 5/5 is “everything I ever dreamed of and hoped for in an amber lager aged for six sweet months - the pinnacle of perfection as dictated by my tastebuds’ unique preferences”. So, very scientific.
One star deduction for each of the following: Lack of bready sweetness, too hoppy.
Description:
Crisp and flavorful. Malty, bitter, and a bit boozy. Definitely hop-heavy, but not too bitter, with a hint of charred oak. Nice caramelization and balance. I knew this one would be good. I’ve had it before.
Aside:
Again, let me say: A three doesn’t mean I didn’t like it. I took my first crispy golden sip and said “oooh yeah. YUM. that’s good stuff.” This was also a very informative trip to Odell’s. I learned that we drink amber ales/Märzens for Oktoberfest in America basically because it’s the throwback German ale. Apparently, at Real Oktoberfest, they’re drinking a much lighter ale these days, but Americans are like “WE WANT THE RETRO STUFF!” Which I think is cute.
I also learned that Monday night is a dope time to go to Odell’s. Nobody’s there and we had the whole biergarten to ourselves.
One star deduction for each of the following: Thin body, lack of warmth, metallic bitterness.
Description:
Bright and appley. Lightly bready with a somewhat metallic, bitter finish. Too bright, but with caramelization that lends to a caramel apple effect. Deeper, maltier flavors develop as the drink warms, but the bitterness increases over time, too.
Aside:
CooperSmith’s has solid brews, but I go there more for the food. They used to have this green tea beer called “P.Y.T.” on tap that I LOVED but it gave me wicked acid reflux, so I stopped going. This was definitely my least favorite oktoberfest of the season, but by no means a bad beer all-up. Also, our server was so nice.
Practically perfect. One star deduction for still not being as bready as I prefer.
Description:
Sweet and honey-forward. Nice and malty, though still not as bready as I ultimately prefer. Warm yet not boozy — still crisp and light. Wonderful balance of bitter and sweet, malty and hoppy, crisp and warm. Extremely well-rounded flavor profile. This beer is pretty dang close to perfection. Was really looking forward to trying this one, as I’ve enjoyed several of Breckenridge’s brews, but hadn’t had their Oktoberfest.
Aside:
This was the only beer in the lineup that I did not have on draft. We showed up, excited that Oktoberfest was on the “currently pouring” list only to find the taproom had already blown through their current inventory and were waiting for a fresh shipment.
Seeing the depth of our disappointment, the wonderful tap-tender offered us a 6-pack of bottled Oktoberfest from the fridge half-off, so we took him up on this offer and consumed our Breckenridge refreshment at home, poured into frosted glasses.
Hate to have broken the pattern on this one, but it had to be done. And I still have 3 more bottles in the fridge which I can safely enjoy without rushing now that it’s October.
One star deduction because I WANT IT TO TASTE LIKE BREAD.
Description:
Sweet, warm, and hefty. Velvety smooth mouthfeel, with medium maltiness. It’s not super bready, but not hop-heavy, either. Lightly bitter toastiness with a lingering booziness. Perfect carbonation and the most gorgeous color. Almost perfect, but a little boozier than I was expecting. This was maybe my most-anticipated sip of September. Verboten has blown my socks off many a time, and I couldn’t wait to taste their Märzen because I knew it would be a top contender for sheer flavor.
Aside:
We actually drank this beer at Verboten Loveland vs Verboten North, because they released it earlier. I would assume it’s the same beer as the one served in FoCo, though. And, if you want some (right now), it appears to already be gone in FoCo, but still on tap in Loveland. So, get thee to Verboten. I have never had a beer that didn’t impress me from these guys.
One star deduction for each of the following: Lack of richness, lack of breadiness.
Description:
Dry and mellow with a sweet nose. Smooth malts. Lightly hoppy with a mild yeast flavor and medium body. Crisp and light gold, like fall leaves. Actually kind of reminds me of PBR, which I love.
Aside:
Mythmaker is the closest brewery to our house and the owners are the loveliest people! They also have a pumpkin spice beer and a pickle beer on tap right now which are both killer.
One star deduction for lack of sweetness and depth.
Description:
On the first sip, I thought, “yes! The breadiness I’ve been seeking!” Toasty malts with no sweetness, yet a nice, clear yeasty note. Pretty much exactly what I want in a lager. Hefty but not boozy, smooth and crisp and incredibly drinkable. Has a dry, bitter finish, but not in a sharp way. However, I did find it lacking in depth and warmth on the palate and ultimately not as satisfying as I first imagined it would be, in terms of Oktoberfests. If I were comparing to a standard lager, this reminds me of a Narangansett, which I love. Warms up to a deeper flavor which I enjoyed - might actually be better served at a higher temp.
Aside:
I LOVE Gilded Goat. Gilded Goat is in my top 3 favorite FoCo breweries, and I’ve had their Festbier after a long hike before and it really hit the spot. Their Frumpy Moo Moo is my favorite milk stout, maybe ever, and they have an incredible seasonal IPA called “Brew Spruce.”
As for the beer, Brian didn’t love this one, but I thought it was incredible. It still didn’t *quite* hit exactly the chord my tastebuds were looking for in terms of My Dream Oktoberfest, but I have nothing bad to say about it.
Also, apparently, Festbier is what they call the lighter-colored, lower-alcohol beer they’re serving in modern Oktoberfest festivals in Germany. While this brew is named Festbier, it does seem to follow in the more traditional Märzen style. There was a lot of Googling beer styles and names and traditions during this beer-drinking journey.
THIS IS THE ONE! The one I’ve been waiting for. Bready up front with soft caramel depth and a sweetness. Supremely smooth and malty with a fizzy honey note. Just the right dash of bitterness for balance, with no harshness. Gentle carbonation level exactly to my taste. Good warmth and body without being boozy. The hops are complementing and balancing the malt-forwardness I love so much. Didn’t get a good head on my glass, which was disappointing, but this is the perfect oktoberfest.
Aside:
This was a predictable win. If you know me, you know I will sing the praises of Zwei all day every day. Their brewers have hands-down the most finesse and make the most balanced German beers with incredible depth of flavor and clean, crisp drinkability. I don’t know all the right beer terms, all I know is this team hits it out of the park every time. Sure, the locale lacks a little ambience. But if you want the BEST beer, especially the best GERMAN style beer? This is the way.
I also enjoyed that the official name of the beer on the tap list covers all the bases.
One star deduction for each of the following: metallic harshness, lack of breadiness.
Description:
Malty nose, with a slight harsh metallic taste. Sweetness with a bit of hoppy bitterness. A darker, toasty, roasty flavor with strong caramelization. Very drinkable carbonation level. A little bitter for my preference, but a really solid oktoberfest.
Aside:
I think this was actually Brian’s favorite. I think there’s a bit of a rivalry in town as to who’s the better German brewery, Zwei or Prost. My preference is Zwei, but lots of folks prefer Prost. Prost has a really nice dunkel that we both enjoy, and I also had a nice crispy kolsch from them recently too!
One star deduction because ya girl wants. more. breadiness.
Description:
Crisp and imminently drinkable. caramel apple crispness with soft bitterness on the palate. Light and dry body with bold, oaky flavor. Great malts that deepen as the drink warms. This was definitely the “oakiest” one I had this season, and yes I know there is no oak involved.
Aside:
I lost my Galaxy Smart Ring at Stodgy and I was actually there to look for it with a metal detector borrowed from a friend. Embarrassing. I ordered a half-pour as a consolation prize when my missing technology did not turn up, and the sweet man behind the bar gave it to me on the house. That made it taste even sweeter.
Milky/lactose nose (we asked, no lactose), velvety and impeccably balanced and smooth. Warm malts with a sweet crispness but no standout primary or secondary flavors, just incredibly smooth, smooth, smooth. Lingering straw flavor hints of the great outdoors on a fall day.
Aside:
Whoops, I said ten beers, didn’t I. This one was never supposed to be on the list.
Purpose is a super-micro brewery that specializes in experimental beers, and as such was not on the original Oktoberfest Taste Test list. When Brian said, “I wonder if Purpose has an oktoberfest?” I said “I doubt it - they probably look upon the rush of breweries all brewing the same amber lager with disdain. But let’s look up their tap list.”
WE DIED when we saw they did, indeed, have an amber on tap named Waves of Disdain. It was incredible. It was hilarious. Also, we were drunk. My notes may seem lackluster because I could not think anything except the word “delicioussss.”
Conclusion: Winners of Best FoCo Oktoberfest
First Place:
Zwei. This was a given.
Second Place:
Purpose. This was a dark horse. I didn’t even plan to go here. But my lord, was that a great amber.
Third Place:
A tie between Gilded Goat and Breckenridge. I’d drink both of those all day long.
Non-local honorable mentions:
We went to Mayor of Old Town to see if they had any other local festbiers on tap. We wound up trying these two. The bartender said the Lawson’s is the best Oktoberfest he’s ever had, and I think I might have to agree.
Lawson’s (Vermont)
Rating: 5/5
Description:
Immediately bready, super crisp. Rich and light at the same time. Light sweetness super well rounded malts and depth of flavor. Well balanced aftertaste with no lingering harsh bitterness. Clean and crushable. Exactly what Oktoberfest should be.
Hofbrau (Germany)
Rating: 3/5
Description:
So crisp. So German. So refreshing. Hoppy and bright. Super delicious, just not what I’m looking for in a beer called “Oktoberfest,” though it an actual German beer brewed specifically for Oktoberfest!
Anyway, Prost, y’all! Get out there and drink some beer.
I made the decision to work through this textbook and I've not gotten very far. There are seven exercises at the end of chapter one. My last two posts were exercises three and four:
Exercise three: Write a short paragraph outlining the conflict between two characters. Then write the crisis scene for this conflict, a scene in which one of the characters “changes his/her mind,” or realizes something, understands something not understood before, moves from one emotional state to its opposite. Make sure the internal change is shown in, or triggered by, an external action.
Exercise four: Write a short story that is a short story in exactly 100 words. Notice that if you’re going to manage a conflict, crisis, and resolution in this short compass, you’ll have to introduce the conflict immediately.
Exercise four took four times as long as exercise three. Partly because it's so short. Partly because it took me ages to figure out exactly what the conflict, crisis, and resolution were in concrete terms even once I had a topic in mind. Partly because my entire personality as a writer is setting the scene, apparently.
Anyway, I hated it. The next exercise is to write a short story under five pages where the protagonist seems weaker than their opposing forces, but they have one balancing strength that leads them to triumph.
The problem is, where do the characters come from? Where does the plot come from? Let me paint an atmospheric picture all day, but when it comes time to populate it and pull the little puppet strings... where does that stuff come from? I don't have a shop full of puppets and play scripts rattling around up here.
I wanted to tackle the next exercise while I'm here at the library — I can't write at home, my laptop died. But, I finished the final 45 words of Talia (last week's library time netted me 55 words), read the next prompt and promptly wanted to exit the building. I figure at least if I can't bring myself to write more fiction, I could at least write a blog post and complain about the whole thing.
So here we are. I need this textbook to tell me where these ideas are supposed to come from. I'd really like to say, "Well, I completed 5 out of 7, that's not bad. Time for the next chapter!" But the whole point of this is to really challenge myself and to actually practice things I'm not good at. So I'M GOING TO DO ALL OF IT.
Or eventually give up out of dread and the misery of self-imposed pressure.
The conflict? Me vs. me, trying to create something out of nothing. The crisis? Facing this next textbook exercise. The resolution? TBD.
The backspace key has a distinctly shameful sound, whether you’ve noticed or not. Talia has. Her middle finger salutes her idiocy again as Talia taps another useless paragraph into the void.
Clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack-clack. Talia remembers the train, and the passive progress of being carried.
Eyelids in slow motion, Talia leans back and lets muddled memories, impressions, and associations tunnel up and out her fingertips. Talia types.
The library closing announcement wakes her. She is ashamed. Ashamed she slept. Ashamed she didn't write anything. She moves to turn off the machine and freezes. On the screen: the best work she's ever done.
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