no more 2012

So, it's the last day of 2012 and I'm not sure what to think.

This whole getting older thing is weird; it really doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.

Part of me wants to hold on to 2012, saying "wait! I'm not finished yet! I'm not ready to keep moving on yet!" Part of me sees the amazing ways God has worked in my life over the past year and is excited for what he'll do next year. Part of me is still afraid he won't do what I want him to do. I have trust issues.

My brother and sister are leaving early in the morning. I'm at work tonight, so I had to hug them goodbye before I left the house. Nick wouldn't let me go. There's nothing like a man-hug. I miss him. Laura and I don't really do a lot together, but we do a lot of nothing together, and there's something so sweet about just having a friend to do nothing with you. I miss her. I'm so glad they got to be here for two weeks, but it was such a short two weeks. And every time we're all together, I marvel and think, "It won't be this way much longer."

I only read 30 books this year.

I heard a kid screaming in the store the other day and it sounded like one of the special needs kids on the bus I used to work on. Who knew a screaming kid could bring on a bout of nostalgia? That wasn't a bad job. I was doing that this time last year, with no idea I would be living in a different state less than 4 months later.

I love Aiken. I love my new friends. I love my school.
I had planned to go to PCC, you know, because it just seemed so logical. I prayed and journaled and prayed and talked and figured it must be the right thing to do. It really seemed right. But when it came down to the wire, plans fell through. Now I'm at USCA, and I love it.
I didn't even have money. Or a job. Or a car.
After I applied at USCA, I got this amazing job babysitting for this great family. It just pays my bills.
I still didn't get a car, but somehow I always made it to class.

This semester I will have a car. Some friends decided to sell their old one, and thought of offering it to me, knowing I would need one. Just in time - my dad will be driving his truck again (that I was borrowing for a little bit), and my friend (who I caught a ride with sometimes) has a different schedule from mine this Spring. Again, I registered having no clue how I would actually make it to class. Don't even tell me God doesn't provide.

I miss my old friends. People are getting married. And I live so far away. Not across the country, of course, but sometimes it seems it may as well be.

My family is intact. You probably don't know how amazing that is, but it is. The fact that we are facing a new year together with all members physically, mentally, and spiritually well and accounted for is nothing short of an act of the grace of God.

You know what else is really neat? I love our church. It took years to feel like I had a real place in our church before. I felt welcome there, don't get me wrong, but it took a long time to feel like I really, truly belonged. There's nothing like knowing you belong. I feel like I belong here. I'm not waiting to find somewhere to fit in. I think I already fit. I've even gotten past thinking how weird "Breezy Hill Baptist Church" sounds. lol

It would have been ok with me had the Mayans been right. Maybe too ok? I should probably be a little more excited about what God still has for me here! But Heaven is going to be bliss, and bliss can come any day. :)

Christmas was nice. Uneventful. Relaxing. We weren't able to join our grandparents for Christmas like we have most years before, so that was a little bit sad, but we still had a nice day, and we all shared pictures on facebook. I even got to see Erin! Her family stopped by on their way to North Carolina. We used to spend like 5 of 7 days together. A week in which we saw each other twice was a rarity. We've seen each other for probably a grand total of 6 hours or so this year, it seems. So, just two hours on a gray afternoon was nice.

This post is a mess. Like me. <3 br="br">

Almost There

English class only took 15 minutes today. I turned in my portfolio and did a short quiz. That was it. It's over. The professor just walked past with a colorful stack of portfolios. There they go! The powerpoint today says "You'll get your grade when I'm done grading. No sooner, no later." So... I wonder when that will be. But I feel pretty good about it.

I loved that class. So much. I'm sad it's over. I hope next semester's English class is as good, but I doubt it will live up. 

So, I've only got 3 finals left til the end of the semester! Tuesday is my physics exam (ewww...), and Wednesday is Math and Philosophy. That's it. Wednesday will be my last day of school! 

A whole semester. Over already. And here's the cool thing. I began with no car and no money, and somehow made it to every class and made every payment. Because God is awesome.

I love school.

There are Three of You

Dear Three Mysterious People who read my blog almost without fail (There is one post with only a single view,

I appreciate you. If you're reading this, you should comment and tell me who you are. Even my unpopular posts usually have 4 views, which means 3 people beside me have looked at them.

So, thanks. This blog is weird, and I like you.

I just wanna talk about myself.

I'm twenty three.

Yesterday, I held a little Frank Sinatra concert for one in the shower. Belted out the classics. I really should have been a jazz singer or something. A thought hit me when I got out, though.

"Hey, Emmie... Could you hear me singing in the shower?"

"Yeah."

"All of it?"

"Yeah." 

"... Oh. I always thought nobody could hear me."

All this time. All those concerts. I mean, sometimes I get on a roll and sing like 6 songs. All the way through. Sometimes I really like a song and sing it twice. Oh well. haha.

What's with those girls who are like, "I'm not single! I'm in a long-standing relationship with freedom and adventure!" I mean, hey, I like freedom and adventure as much as the next girl, but I'd rather be free and adventurous with a guy around... Anyway...

I signed up for that series of 5ks. It cost 70 dollars. I only did 2 of them. At least the money went to a good cause. It didn't work to make me work out more, cuz I've only jogged my 3 miles about 5 times this semester. Icky. I bought some new Nikes last week, though, so maybe that will help?

I miss having a bird.

I don't think you understand how much I love coffee.

I don't understand why our own brains work against us sometimes.

My hair is blonde. I promise it is. It's like mediumish ash blonde. But it's not brown. Stop calling it brown. I know it doesn't matter, but for some reason I like being blonde, and it makes me feel like part of my identity is being questioned if you call my hair brown. I know it's silly, just go with it.

I'm really excited about Christmas break because I hope to do some recreational reading. However, I am scared to look at my to-read list and actually pick something to read. My list is like ... a hundred books long. How will I ever pick just one or two?! Oh. That reminds me. I'm on the library's blacklist. I can't log in or borrow books digitally because my fine is like a million dollars or something.

I enjoy exaggerating. I also enjoy wearing socks.

oink

I'm an attention hog.
I just want people to love me.
They do, actually. A lot of people love me.
So why am I always looking for more affirmation instead of resting happy, knowing that lots of people like me and think I'm great?

This is Madness

Apparently, I shouldn't be left alone in a room with scissors and a mirror. 

Crazy things happen. 

Like, my hair goes missing. I did not have bangs earlier today. Everyone at church can tell you.

 I straightened my hair, and I had no bangs. 

The hair at the front of my head was as long as the rest of it.

Then I got home. 

I dunno what happened after that, but this is what I look like now:

Crazy, right?

It all started with just barely trimming the rough ends off. Some of those ends were like 6 months old and getting icky. But... that little snip, snip is addicting, and I thought "I'll just trim up these front bits a little more so the edges will be a little nicer." And then I thought "I'll just shape this up a little so it'll be more like swoopy bangs." And then I thought "I wonder what I would look like with legit bangs?" 

And then I thought "That's just crazy talk. Don't even think about it. Do not cut bangs."

I didn't do it all at once. I did it like an eighth of an inch at a time. It took over an hour, because I went so slow. 

I told you, folks. It's madness.

And the worst part about it is, it's going to look absolutely ridiculous after I wash my hair and all those little bangs curl up. 

P.S. I do think it's pretty cool to be a grown up because I can cut my own hair and not get in trouble for it. lol

School Update

I know y'all wanna know what's going on. I didn't want y'all worrying about me.
( ... okay, sort of. I really do like it when people worry about me sometimes. It makes me feel like they care about me. And who doesn't want to be cared about, really?)

Anyway. If I can just make it past Tuesday afternoon, I'll be all right. The rest of the semester is only two weeks long after that, and it will just be finals, which I'm not really worried about. I've made good grades so far, so I'll just study up and be all right. Pretty sure it'll be like coasting after this past week.

I've spent the entire week stressing about the beginning of the upcoming week.

Monday, I have a group presentation due. I have not met with my group. I just now put together a slideshow. It'll take about a minute to flip through. It's supposed to be a 20 minute presentation. I'm kind of at a loss. Maybe I should email my group members and ask them to please present a small essay for each point on the slide. I don't even know. Ach.

Tuesday my "big" English paper is due. It's not that big, but it's the first actual research paper I've ever had to do. (Thanks for not making me do one in HS, mom. -no, that's not sarcasm...) So, I've spent 4 weeks complaining about it and 1 week actually working on it. So, that's what I did for Thanksgiving. (well, I did other stuff too.) ANYWAY. I still have to write a conclusion, source evaluations, and touch up my citations. Which doesn't sound like much, but it kind of still is.

And in case you're not aware, it's midnight, Sunday morning. Which means I have 36 hours til my presentation is due, and 56 til my paper is due, with church and work and classes between. You would not believe how short those hours are going to feel.

And I think if I don't go to bed right now (I'll get 8 hours of sleep...) those hours are gonna feel even longer since I'd be tired. Let's hope I don't have nightmares about my research paper and children being eaten by a pack of grinning, evil white lions again. (yes, really.)

P.S. I am so thankful for all of my new friends from Breezy Hill. I feel accepted. Which is nice. I'm used to having to fight to feel that way, and I didn't have to. <3 p="p">
P.P.S. I am so thankful that I am not sick. So many people are so sick right now, and I can't imagine trying to finish out the semester on a flu or stomach flu!

P.P.P.S. I am so thankful ... now I don't remember what I was going to say. But I really am so thankful for so much.

Today I spent the afternoon crafting with one of my "grown-up friends." I am so thankful for her.

Sometimes I'm Vain

Here are a few of my favorite outfits from lately. 

This is my official hipster uniform. Plus my favorite woolly man-socks.

 This jacket has been a wardrobe staple for like 5 years running. Everything in this picture was free, on clearance, or thrifted.

I should post a close up of my vintage silk scarf from this outfit. It's way cool.

Day trip to the mountains outfit.

My outfit from church was really cute this morning. Too bad I didn't take a picture.

Also: Please note that my hair is up. That is today. It's finally "long" enough for a tiny baby ponytail. lol 

I'm not a GA voter anymore...

Today, I exercised my right to vote.

Also, I dressed well.

Artemis

So, for Halloween this year, I decided I wanted to be a Greek goddess. Not just any old Greek goddess, but Artemis: Hunter-Goddess of the forests and moon. Super cool, right? I think the whole Hunger Games bow-and-arrow thing might have influenced me a little bit, too, actually. Also, I'd be happy to be a woodland fairy every year, so goddess of the mountains and woods was a good similar-yet-different alternative.

My little brother is a whiz with all things woodsman, so he crafted me a giant bow and arrow set from some trees in our yard. No big deal, right? 

got ma concentrating face on. also got no idea what I'm doing. 

 Little bro did a great job. That bow was almost as big as me, and I spent the entire evening trying not to hit people with my arrows. My necklace is a super cool piece of antler (which little bro is also responsible for. I told you, he's quite the woodsman).

Me and my other goddess girlfriend, Aphrodite.

I made my boots out of an old coat. Ha! I love them. I might wear them like super-cool slippers all winter. My entire costume was made of things from around my house, except for a 50 cent visor I bought and spray painted gold for my moon-crown, and I was SO happy with it. I wasn't the only one happy with it - I won first place in the costume contest!

Yay! 

The End.

clearing out

Don't worry, I don't mean clearing out as in leaving.

I'm just tired of having a rubbermaid container full of cute things that never sold on Etsy.
Poor little cute crocheted things. :(
So, I'm auctioning them off on eBay. If they even sell, I'm sure it will be for less than I would have charged for them, but at least I'll have a little bit of money instead of a lot of wasted yarn and space. I'd really like to get back into the business, but... eh.

Anyway, maybe take a look and see if you want to make a bid. Or just wish me luck. ;-)

refocus

I missed English class this morning because I don't have a car.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

I'm unhappy with the assignment I turned in, and concerned for my grade.

And all that is within me, bless His holy name.

I bombed my Physics quiz today.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

I need more income. And a car.

And forget not all His benefits.

I am so impatient right now.

Who forgives all your iniquities.

I'm getting sick. My throat is raw and my neck is aching.

Who heals all your diseases.

I still don't have a long term plan. Or a short term plan, really.

Who redeems your life from destruction.

And I'm still lonely.

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies.

I am not content, and apparently my faith is weak.

Who satisfies your mouth with good things.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

struggle

This is one of those moments where I kind of want to write a blog post about how sad/annoyed I am with some stuff. Not a lot of stuff. Only a little bit of stuff. It's not a big deal, but feelings will be feelings.

There's really only one friend who gets to know all my stuff. Like, every little detail of my thoughts and wishes and frustrations and craziness. I don't like to be dramatic and put it all out there for the whole world. Tonight I actually thought about doing that. Skipping homework and just venting on my blog. But this vague, annoying ramble is as close as I'm going to come to really venting. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Or desperate. Or be all like "aw, Caitlin, is everything okay? Don't be lonely! don't feel sad!" 

(I am skipping my homework, though. Whatever.)

I miss being surrounded by people who know me. Family is more than just the people you're related to. I miss my family. My life needs more hugs in it. More hugs and more camping. I do love Jesus, but I still don't want to be single forever.

It's okay if this post is awful, because nobody really reads this unless I post my updates on facebook. I get an average of 5 pageviews on posts I don't promote. I wonder if I have 5 loyal readers, or if they're random internet hits.

I need to go on an adventure.

I'm okay. I'm just a normal person who's not all sunshine all the time. :)

new duds

In case you forgot what I look like, here's a picture. I got this new outfit yesterday. I love it.
The End.

morning in the mountains

The valleys exhale soft and long

The sweetest, gentlest, earth-born yawn

Caressing fern and pine and stone

Rolling, reaching upward

This weather is perfect for camping. The mountains are calling me, but I can't answer. It kind of hurts. Writing is as close as I'm getting. I love to walk up the mountain before the sun is up and watch the mist curl upward.

I wish I were asleep

I need to work on my time management skills. For instance, I probably should have spent two hours working hard on this essay and THEN "checked facebook real quick" before heading to bed, as opposed to "checking facebook real quick" for two hours, then working on this essay half-brainedly as I fall asleep.

Whatever.

I decided to write my essay on how hard it is for me to write about myself. That is so lame. I'm really disappointed in myself. I'm putting lots of conversation in it. I hope that's okay. I don't remember much more than that. That's why it's hard to write these things. Because I have no memory. I wonder if I can take something for that?

Anyway, I think I just came here to write for a minute as a way to unwind before I shut my laptop off and go to sleep. 5 hours, if I fall asleep right now. (Do you do that? Count the hours you'll get before you go to sleep? It's become such a habit for me that I feel uneasy unless I count.) Which I won't fall asleep right now, because I still have to brush my teeth. And stay awake as a helpless victim to my wandering mind which usually insists on thinking about random stuff for a while instead of letting me rest. Yay. 

I have a new favorite little kid. Two year old boys are the cutest, sweetiest, funniest, best, most funnest and best ever. I had to go to a meeting after church tonight, and he started crying as I was walking away. His mom let me take him with me. He just sat in my lap all snuggly-cozy for the entire meeting. It made my heart big. I offered to keep him forever, and his dad said that sounded like a good deal to him, but his mom couldn't reconcile the logistics or something, so I had to give him back. Oh well. One day...

I was going to have a second helping of crunch-berry cereal earlier, but I turned my back to put the cereal away after I poured my second helping and O'Malley the Irish Wolfhound started slurping it up. I guess I didn't need the calories anyway. Thanks, O'Malley. 

Good night.

They Say I Say Essay

The topic and outline for my three to five page narrative essay are due tomorrow.
I've had two weeks to come up with a topic.
Now I have fifteen hours.

It must address something "they" say, explain what "I say" in response, and illustrate my side with three to five narrative, descriptive illustrations.

Example: "they say" fishing is boring. "I say" fishing is awesome. "Last March, I went fly fishing with my grizzly great uncle, and..."

Two weeks, and I haven't got a topic.
Twenty-three years of life experience, and I haven't got a topic.
It's like when someone says, "name a song!" and your mind freezes, and you suddenly can't remember a single title out of the thousands of songs you know.

I am a good writer. I know it. Not an amazing writer, but... I can write just fine. I just re-read some of my poetry and short stories, and they're good. But they are good because I had a sharp image in my mind that I wanted to convey. I can't start writing this essay until I get a good mental image, a direction. Something worth saying.

I have a list of five potential topics, but I don't love any of them. I don't even like most of them. I don't feel like I can write something worth reading unless I believe in it.

I was hoping blogging about it might spark some thoughts somehow. So far, nothing doing.

Another problem, besides for fishing for a topic in the vast sea of my entire life's history, is that I have practically no memory. How can I write three to five very descriptive, "zoomed in," concrete illustrations/stories with such a small memory bank to go on? I asked my sisters to help me brainstorm.
"What's your best memory?" they asked.
"I don't have one."
"That's just SAD."

I mean... I have some good memories. But I can't pick a best one. And I don't know how I'm ever going to remember at least three with enough details to make a good essay of them that addresses whatever it is "they say," whoever they are.

This is not helping.
**update** I wonder if the professor would find it really obnoxious if I wrote about how hard it is for me to write about myself?

confession

I need to get this off my chest. Don't tell anyone I told you:

I'm going to school for the fun of it.
I don't have a plan.
At all.

curly hair, car loans, and camping. sort of.

Hey.

So, this is how long my hair is now. 

 And it doesn't really look that long, but then I straighten it, and it's like WHOA! I DO have hair after all! YAY! (I know, I know, I promised myself no more heat-styling. But really, did any of us believe that? I promise, that's the first time I've actually straightened it for real.)

 Also, way to begin my blog post looking like a crazy person, right? Whatever. Everybody already knows I'm crazy, so it's not like it's hurting anything.

So, school is fun. I'm supposed to be hypothetically buying a car right now, to get a loan and calculate interest and stuff. I'll do it after I finish this. I wish I were actually buying a car. This whole not-having-a-car thing is weird. When I'm working, I take their minivan to school. Some days when I'm not working, I can drive mom's minivan. Some days I'm minivan-less, but it just so happens that I have this great, generous friend who gives me a ride to school on those days. Which is pretty neat, and I'm super grateful, but I feel bad for having to ask all the time.

Oh, right, school. Philosophy is fun. We've been all about the foundations of Western philosophy in Ancient Greece so far, but we're moving on after midterms.

Math is super easy, which is ... miraculous. The prof is wacky, and sometimes class is boring, but I'll take boring over miserable any day.

English is so great. I just love English. That's why I'm even at college, y'all. This professor is fantastic. I'm supposed to be starting a narrative descriptive essay this week, though, and I'm stuck. With 23 years of life experience,  I can't think of a good topic for an essay. How does that even work?

Physics is interesting and hard. The prof reminds me of what my brother, Nick, would be like if he were a teacher. So, I really do like the class, I'm just not making As. haha.

I don't even want to talk about the freshman Critical Inquiry class. -_-

And I finally got my membership card for the Wellness Center on campus. Just in time; I have a 5k this Saturday, and I have got to spend the week trying to get back in shape. I thought signing up for this series would spur me back into gear, and it did not. I'm blaming it on school and work. Anyway, the treadmills and I are fixin' to become best pals.

Y'all, I was so excited to go to bed before midnight last night. Like, giddy. I was grinning as I set my alarm clock for 9 AM.

Um... So... what else should I mention? (I have become terrible at this!) Oh! I get to help teach little kids at church again. That's fun. I love kids so much. I'm actually babysitting my little 3 year old buddy right now, but she's napping. :)

I really want to go camping. Someone needs to call me and be all like, "hey! let's go camping!" And I'll be like "YEAH! let's hit the wilderness with some sleeping bags and marshmallows!" (Actually, I'll probably be like "crap. I really wanna, but I'm working for the next 5 weekends.") But, yeah. I just have this nagging little ache for percolated coffee in the early morning, surrounded by cool mountain mist, and late night marshmallow roasting, and cozy sweats and sleeping bags. I'm torturing myself here.

So, I guess I'm going to go hypothetically get a car loan now.
:) me

blurt

I've been too busy living life to write about it lately. (Haha, just kidding. My Pinterest boards might tell you otherwise.)  Actually, I have been writing about life, just not here. It's like I've mentioned before - the less blogging I do, the more I write in my journal. And I really have been busy. Life is changing a lot.

I used to wish I could see into the future. Just a little bit. To know what sort of major things would happen to me. I thought maybe if I knew, I could anticipate and prepare, or at least wait more patiently for life to change. Things start changing though, and I freak out. I feel like life has this sneaky way of lulling you into a feeling that nothing will ever change, and then it jumps you with like four major life changes all at once. It's a little scary. And now I'm glad I can't see things coming, because I know in reality it would just give me more time to work myself into a sleepless frenzy of high blood pressure, anxiety attacks, and stress-induced acne.

I'm supposed to be writing a one page paper about a time I experienced a "cognitive lens shift." Instead, I'm writing a blog post. Maybe I could write about how I used to wish I could see into the future, and then I realized that would be awful. That was a change in perspective. That counts, right?

I'm losing my train of thought. I'm not sure if I ever had one. Oh, I remember why I started writing this now. There was a handful things I wanted to post on facebook, but decided that would look ridiculous, so I should just get them off my chest here. I think I'll do a bulleted list, so I don't have to freak out about getting my thoughts and paragraphs just right.

• I want to go to Sonic. I want the sun to shine, and the breeze to blow, and for my best friend to join me at Sonic, drinking slushies and eating tater tots. But that's not going to happen, and it's making me sad.
• I miss my friends. I'm making new friends, and they are great, but it's not the same as getting to always be around the people I've been closest to for years. 
• I feel lonely lately. I don't like feeling lonely. It's an empty, dark bluish grey kind of feeling. And not a pretty dark bluish grey.
• Along the same vein as missing my friends, I miss Laura and Nick. Nick is my little brother who became the big brother I always wanted. He's got so much wisdom and strength for one so young, and I miss his hugs and talks and encouragement. Laura and I didn't really get along last summer, but we were best friends this summer. Every time I've pulled into the driveway since she left earlier this week, I'm hit with sadness when I don't see her car. 
• My favorite TV show is starting back up this fall, but it's not as exciting since it won't be the same without Erin to watch it with me.
• Summer is over. School is in, and I feel like summer never happened. I was spoiled by the last 3 summers. Those were spent surrounded by close friends, doing lots of spontaneous summery things. This summer felt like one big, long summer-length transition/waiting period. It was nice, but it wasn't the same. And sometimes different is good, but kind of sad.
• Celebrate Freedom - the biggest, awesomest, all day Christian concert ever is happening today. I was there the last two years, and this year I'm not. And Switchfoot is headlining again! And I hate that I'm missing that.
• I'm 23. This is not where I thought I would be when I was 18 and the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" came up. (speaking of which, I never blogged about my birthday...)  In all honesty, I imagined I would be married. Silly me. Nobody's ever even asked me out. I'm majorly tired of being single. (see 3rd bullet) But that's a secret, because girls who love Jesus enough aren't supposed to be unhappy about being single, right?

Wow. That was depressing. Maybe this is why I haven't been blogging! I promise I'm not this way all the time. I keep telling my friends I've been a little bi-polar lately. I'll have this pity party, and then two hours later I'll be all like, "Wow! God is just so good, and He's working so many new things in my life, and I just KNOW this is going to be a fantastic year full of new places and people and experiences! I'm going to learn so much, and I really believe God is going to show himself to me in new, exciting ways! This is so great!"

Okay, truthfully, I've been leaning pretty hard into the negative side. The thing is, I really do believe all that great stuff.  Just not enough to always feel that way about it. Every now and then, I have flashes where I feel like I believe it- excited and happy and confident and hopeful. I believe God is doing great things in my life, but mostly I still feel anxious and lonely. How does that even work?

Now I need to write some bullets about the good things going on, just to balance this crazy out.

• I signed up for a series of 5ks this fall! The first out of five was this morning, and it was lovely. The trail wound through woods, across a pond, and up and down lots of hills. It was tough, but so so great.
• USCA rejected my application at first, but I had an amazing admissions counselor who talked me through the petition process, and then I was accepted. Also, I qualified for a goodly portion of financial aid, so... that all worked out really well.
• I had a random, temporary job for a week a little while back that helped me pay my first school bill.
• I made it through week one of classes at USCA! So far, so good. But I'm letting myself be anxious about how things will be in a few weeks when the real homework starts hitting. Philosophy and English are my favorites, I think. Physical science... not my thing. The teacher is great, but I had a ridiculously hard time with a lab project yesterday, which is SO not promising.
• Not only did I make it through week one of classes, I made it TO week one of classes. You know that whole not-having-a-car thing? Well, I'm not sure how it happened, but I made it to class. (This is still on my freak-out list, though.)
• I got a new job! I'm babysitting some kids and an irish wolfhound overnight about three times a week. Still gettin' the hang of it, but I think it's going to go really well.
• Despite my whiny cries about missing my friends, I really have had a good time getting to know my new friends. I'm grateful to have met some people to hang out and have fun with. And bake cookies for. haha

So, as you can see, God really is working things out in my life. I am so thankful.
And still so freaked out.

(and here's a picture of me and my awesome sister on my birthday. Since I never wrote about that.)

update

In June I reduced my vitamin intake to two hugemongous pills a day, believing that the third was probably unneccesary. At the end of the month, I noted significantly less growth than the previous month, so I upped my dosage back to three hugemongous pills this July, and have seen quite an improvement.

So, three a day it is. 

The longest parts are 4.5 inches now. I had to trim the back of it to avoid a mullet.

It's long enough now that I can do a gel-and-slick trick to give myself a normal hairstyle of sorts, and avoid the resemblance to Little Orphan Annie.

My hair is the only thing in my life that I can observe, noting measured progress with certainty.

The rest of my life kind seems kind of suspended right now.

I'm waiting to hear back from someone about a job interview.

I'm going this week for another job interview.

I don't have a car, which makes getting a job difficult.

I don't have a job, which makes getting a car difficult.

I don't know what I'm doing this fall.

Waiting to hear from people.

Listening to hear from God.

So, I know it's silly, but I'm kind of glad that I'm growing my hair out for this reason: When it seems I'm making no measurable progress in my life, at least I can measure my hair and see that it's growing. Slowly but surely.

Hopefully I am, too.

growth

February 22, 2012

1.5 inches

June 27, 2012

3.5 inches

Three inches in four months, people. I'm not impressed.

Maybe if I sing to it it'll grow faster?

p.s. I don't wear my hair all sticky-outy like this. That's for effect.

Missing. Melancholy. Melodrama.

My brother, on his own at school,
My childhood friend, the first to wed,
My lengthy curls, so long since shorn,
And all my pets, so long since dead.

My boxes full of stuff upstairs,
My books and coffee mugs and plates,
My friends who made last summer fun
Too far away for coffee dates.

The Luxurious Distress

I learned something yesterday. I learned it at six o clock P.M. Suddenly I realized it is a luxury to worry about fictional people in fictional circumstances.

Since Friday at 3:30 in the morning, my mind had been consumed with The Hunger Games. My hands were desperate to get a hold of the final installment, Mockingjay. I was distressed to the point of distraction over Peeta, Katniss, and the rest of District 12. Unable to focus on anything else for more than a few minutes, my agony over the fate of these fictitious people I had emotionally invested in was consuming every other thought. And while that may sound exaggerated and dramatic, it's basically true.

My biggest worry for most of yesterday was whether Peeta Mellark was alive, what Katniss would do with her new information, and what was going on in District 12 with Gale and Katniss's family.

At six o clock, however, my family got a phone call that brought me back to reality. Then I realized how blessed a person must be for their greatest concern to be for the lives of imaginary people. To have so few worries of one's own, to have so few pressing cares that one can afford to spend that kind of time and energy being distraught over a work of fiction.

Don't think for a moment that I am condemning emotional involvement with fictional reading. It's a mark of good writing, to find yourself drawn so strongly into a character's life and feelings. But take a moment, when you're agonizing over the cliffhangers, when you're going crazy over the love triangle, when all you can think of are the people in that other world, to appreciate the luxury of that extravagant distress.

Review: Catching Fire

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



Every time I read a distopian novel, I wonder why I don't read more. I always like them. But it's an odd sort of liking. Not a happy, fuzzy like, but the sense that comes from reading something powerful and provoking.

The story was fresh and strong, and definitely not repetetive and predictable, which I was concerned about. No need to have worried. The whole book kept me holding my breath and being surprised.
I think once I've read Mockingjay, Catching Fire will have been my favorite. I'm anxious to read Mockingjay, but I don't see how it could top this. Once I started, I couldn't put it down - not once. I might even read it again.
A lot of readers criticize Collins for making Katniss in book 2 so different from herself in book 1. She does and says things that the Katniss in book 1 wouldn't have thought of doing. People are chalking it up to sloppy story-telling and slapdash character development. I want to make the argument that it's intentional. It makes sense. Even Katniss feels after The Hunger Games that the fabric of who is is, what she stands for, is falling apart. Doesn't it only make sense that a person whose life and self is absolutely crumbling would act differently from the confident person she used to be when the series started?

P.S. The girl in me is agonizing over the love triangle. **rolls eyes** I guess I can't help it.



View all my reviews

Sometimes words just pop in my head when I'm falling asleep

Basketful of petals.
Suitcases and spires.
Dark drafts and candlelight.
Descending spiral staircase.

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom it May Concern,
   I would say "you know who you are," but I don't think you do. If only you knew who you were. But your pride blinds you. Its blinds you and binds you. In making yourself believe you are other than what you are, you destroy what you ought to be, who you could be.
   You say, "I'm fine," and you're the only one who believes it. You say, "There's nothing to worry about," and in those words, the cue to worry. You don't know that your spirit speaks through the sound of your voice so much more than what your mouth says. The lines on your face bear testament to the truth. How, I don't know. But they do. The lines on your face, the sound of your footfall, sharper than before, they all betray your words.
   Betrayal.
   There is grace, though, you know. Or do you?

I think sometimes pursuing your dream is more about your pursuit than your dream.

hair update

It's been two months since I cut my hair and started taking 1-2000mcg biotin  daily. My hair has grown exactly one inch. This seems pretty normal, and I'm a little disheartened. And annoyed at the awkward hair ahead of me. Today I'm upping to 5000mcg. A lot of people online say you have to take that exaggerated dose to see any results. We'll see.

update 4/30
I decided to leave my second bottle of biotin unopened and bought some Nature's Bounty extra strength Hair, Skin and Nails vitamins instead. They have 5000mcg biotin, 50% daily recommendation of vitamin E, and a wealth of other vitamins, as well as added collagen, calcium, alpha lipoic acid (whatever that is,) and silica. I will be very disappointed if after a month my hair has not grown more than another half inch.

p.s. I forgot to mention, I did notice my eyelashes have gotten a little longer and my fingernails are growing a little faster, so I know the biotin's not been completely in vain.

Drivers Ivy Scally Flat (Revisited)

Dear Crochet Community,

I finally did it.
I finally created a properly shaped flat cap. No crazy, extranneous pieces, no unneccessary steps. Just a nice looking cap of four simple pieces, joined with neat single crochet seaming.

This hat has been years in coming. Those of us looking for such a pattern rejoiced when we found the Lidsville. It had arrived! For many, content, even success, came with lidsville, that Sherlock Holmesy creation. For some, however, (*cough*me*cough) it proved to be a little fussy. (I could never get mine to turn out well at all.)

And so I kept trying. Beginning almost three years ago with a hat-that-never-quite-fit, the desire to successfully produce this hat has stayed with me. Three half-baked attempts (and many hours of despair) later, I think I have it. Behold!

So yeah. I might be a little proud. I haven't seen another like it yet, so let me just soak this in. :)
Love, Caitlin.

Craftiness!

All this free time on my hands lately has afforded me the luxury of being able to do something with them! I've been on this revamp/destroy-things-in-my-closet kick lately. It's fun!

I've had some failures, though. I tried this braided-neck tee DIY (on two tee shirts) and it failed (both times). Alas. I also attempted to straight-up create a shirt pattern, wasting two more shirts-worth of fabric. (Don't worry, it's not really wasted. I'll find something else to create with it.)

Even though they didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, the time spent was pleasant, therefore not wasted.

Now, for the successes.

I had this boring old tan scarf that I decided to spice up with some Sharpies.

(before)

I colored a splash of florals in the center, and some geometric coolness around the edges. I went ahead and wore it, but I knew it wasn't finished yet. See all that boring, empty, tan space? The other day I pulled it out and sat down to finish it, filling in the rest of the empty space. Tada!

(after)

I'm quite pleased.

This project isn't as exciting, but I fixed a shirt hem I wasn't pleased with.

 Now, the most recent project: I had this pink tank top embellished with little ruffle flowers around the neck. It looked funny on me. I cut off the flowers and decided it needed stripes. Hello, acrylic paint and painter's tape.

(before)

After a journey through the washer and dryer, the black was a little less striking and had aquired a fuzzy grey tone, which I actually like a lot. Success!

 (after)

Cute, right?

Happy Day

This year for Easter we made the decision to forego worship at a local church to be with family for the day. Fresh faced and neatly dressed, we piled into the cars and set out.

 The great thing about worship is that it's so unrestricted. I may not have been in a church building, but my heart was definitely overflowing with worship.

Oh, to see my name written in the wounds
for through Your suffering I am free!Death is crushed to death,
life is mine to live
won through Your selfless love!
This the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God, slain for us.
What a love, what a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.

(Keith and Kristyn Getty - The Power of the Cross)

Some songs just say it perfectly and move me to tears almost every time.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I am
The King of glory and of grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God!

(Selah - Before the Throne of God Above)

We arrived at Mema and Pepa's house a little before noon. The sun was out, there was a cool breeze, and it was altogether lovely out. We all just relaxed for a bit. I even fell asleep curled up in a patio chair with one of the puppies. It was perfect.

Later, Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Larry, and Jan came over. We all had dinner, then followed through with the Easter egg tradition. We all pitched in to dye them. There were a lot of faces on eggs this year! I love all the colors. I don't think I'll ever be to old to enjoy dyeing eggs.

Nick and Joey hid them. Abby, Emmie, and Ben searched. And searched. And searched. And begged for hints.

I joined them. And the search continued. Nick and Joey aren't allowed to hide eggs ever again. Nicholas hid a huge, yellow prize egg full of money and then absolutely forgot where he put it! Once it was found, it was past time for us to be headed home.

One thing I love about where we live now is that when we drive home in the evening, the sunset is always in the rearview. So pretty.

The End.

P.S. Sorry for the randomness of the pictures. I don't know how to use this thing efficiently. haha

I have the hiccups

That title is completely irrelevant to the post, but completely annoying in real life.

These aren't adorable, tiny hiccups. These are making my throat hurt. Wracking, painful hiccups. I feel like a frog.

But enough about me.

Just kidding. This blog is about me. HA!

Yesterday I was checking my email for the thirtieth time, waiting for nothing in particular, when I got an email update from needtobreathe's people about their tour. I clicked on the imbedded link to see their tour dates more out of boredom than curiosity.

And then I saw it.

They were playing a show in Augusta. 25 dollars for a ticket. April 3rd.

That's TODAY!

Well, yesterday it was tomorrow. I bought my ticket on the spot.

This is NEEDTOBREATHE we're talking about. Only my favorite band ever, whose songs helped me through dark times and piled on extra joy during the happy times. No second thoughts required. So, I dropped the 25 dollars and then found out exactly what was going on where.

It was a benefit concert with Darius Rucker headlining. Needtobreathe was somewhere in the middle of the lineup of other artists, none of whom I've ever heard before. I didn't hear them today, either. I went to hear needtobreathe and then I left (after milling about for 10 minutes, wishing I had the guts to run past the volunteers and gates and pound on trailer doors til I found them and got a picture with them...).

Oh well. I did get these pics! I was standing right by the stage, which was cool. It also afforded me the opportunity to be splashed with Mr. Rinehart's water... baha.I look totally cheesy, but I guess that's okay. I was having a great time.

Speaking of great, Seth Bolt has great hair.

And I think I was the biggest fan there. Not physically speaking. I mean I was the only one singing all the words to all the songs. Except the Johnny Cash cover they did. That was epic, but I didn't know the words.

Basically, the spur-of-the-moment opportunity to see my favorite band was AWESOME.

They're awesome. Their songs are awesome.

It would be awesomer if I could meet them eventually, but I like to imagine that they'll do lots of shows in Heaven and I can be best friends with them then.

I'm ridiculous.

And now I'm drinking coffee to satisfy my sweet tooth, because when I got home I found that my family had eaten all the ice cream.

Anyway, I learned that I can totally survive going to a concert all by me onesie, and that needtobreathe is even cooler live.

The End.

P.S. my hiccups are gone.

a peek at today

Yesterday, on a whim, I bought some beading supplies and started making anklets and bracelets. I got home from the craft store around 3 and sat down at the table. I didn't get up again until about midnight. (Don't worry, Pandora and Netflix kept me company!)

This morning we visited a new church. It was nice. The choir was good. The people were friendly. It made me miss our old church, though. It feels wrong to say, "old church," like I don't belong there any more. It's still my home church.

This afternoon, I kept beading.

Finally, evening hit and I was ready to take a break.
I made an iced coffee.

(Like my neon green nail tips? I'm a fan.)

Then I ate a cupcake.

Then I went for a 3 mile walk. Part of the neighborhood smells like bubblegum. It did last time, too. I don't understand. Is it a flower? Is it somebody's house? Is there a secret underground bubblegum factory? Who knows.

Then I ate a sandwich and watched Voyage of the Dawn Treader with the kids. 3/4 of the way through I had to dash outside into the deluge to roll up the car windows. It was pretty much too late. The car was soaked through, and as soon as I got back inside it quit raining.

Also, my hair is driving me crazy.

So... there's my weekend. In case you were wondering. :)

Hair Update

The verdict is out: My hair is growing at the rate of half an inch in 4 weeks! It's been exactly 4 weeks since I cut my hair and started taking supplements. Some days I take 2 or 3 thousand mcg, whatever that means. Fortunately, I've not had any of the adverse side effects some people talk about. My hair has always grown fairly fast, though, so I'm not really sure if the biotin is making it grow faster or not.

Not my favorite length. Between 2 and 6 inches is the worst, as far as awkward lengths go. I guess it'll be about 5 inches long by the time I go to school in the fall. (Oh, wait. I haven't told y'all about that? Well, hang in there.) 'Sgonna be rough, folks. I've got to print some pictures of my hair when it was long and amazing for inspiration. Right now, I'm kind of just sad that it's not cool and platinum anymore. :( Nix the kinda. Really sad.

In other news, my ZenniOptical order finally came! I love all 3 pairs. I got a tortoiseshell pair, some fun red&pink half rims, and a funky black and yellow pair. Yay! My cute glasses will distract me from my poofy hair and strange cowlicks.

How fast does your hair usually grow?

Hopeland

Sunday evening the girls and I went to Hopeland Gardens. They hadn't been yet, and I was eager to go again, so away we went.

Aiken is a horse town, and Emmie loves it. There are horse statues and stables everywhere! Hopeland Gardens is home to a racing museum, but it wasn't open Sunday evening.I was so pleased to find the fountains running this time around! The fountains and reflection pool are built on the foundation of the original house.
I took the girls to see the labyrinth and they immediately decided to walk it. (I would have done it with them, but I had a muscle spasm in my neck and couldn't turn it. ha! Imagine walking that maze without turning your head. I doubt it's possible.) Once they got to the center, they decided to "rewind" and do it backwards. I don't think they managed to get very far that way.

We were on our way to find another horse statue when a red-tailed hawk dipped over our heads, carrying a squirrel away for lunch. We followed him to his perch and watched him. He made his disapproval of our rude staring quite clear. I strained to get a good picture of him, but he was too far away. I got lots of blurry ones, though! Hawks are so fascinating to me.In other news, some dear friends we didn't get to say goodbye to before we left GA are stopping by for a visit this afternoon!

I seem to have forgotten how to properly write a blog post. My introductions and endings (see, now I can't even remember what you call them) are lacking. So, I'm just gonna say bye. There will be more news and pictures soon. :)

went for a walk

Hi again!

So, we loaded up all our stuff and drove to Aiken Saturday. I think it was Saturday. I don't remember. Saturday and Sunday and Monday are all a blur of roads and boxes.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are a blur of boredom and boxes. I never thought I would miss my job. I don't really miss the job itself, just having a specific place to be at a specific time. As much as I love freedom, I also enjoy having somewhere to be.

Last night I jumped up, declared, "I'm bored. I'm going to the library. Where's proof that I live here now?" and left. Got a new library card, checked out the library and a book, came home, and read til 3 AM. It was nice.

This afternoon I jumped up, declared, "I'm bored. I'm going for a walk. Maybe I'll end up at the library. I can't find an umbrella! Bye!" and left. It didn't rain. It was lovely walking weather.
The walk downtown is nice, once you run across the highway to get to the sidewalk. There are lots of stately brick walls, mysterious gates, and quaint doors and fences.

I did, after all, end up at the library, but only after a detour in Hopeland Gardens. When I passed this pretty, locked gate I decided I should go inside and see it from the other side. It makes me think of The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. (This picture is from inside the garden.)

I found a labyrinth, too, but not the patience to complete it.

Hopeland Gardens is really pretty. I almost said enchanting, but I'll save that for when there are leaves on the trees and the fountains are working. It used to be someone's estate and personal garden, which I think has a kind of historical romance. I'll probably be spending a lot of time there.

Eventually, I walked on to the library where the girl behind the desk recognized me from last night. Yay!

Anyway, not very exciting, but since I came back and all, I thought I'd update on what I'm up to. Now you know! Aiken is pretty. I like it here.

Packing

Hm. Not feeling so creative with the titles lately. Title inspiration has disappeared.

So has a lot of the stuff around our house.
We're keeping busy boxing things up, throwing things out, shuffling things around, and scrubbing things down. (Phew! I had to think about that last bit for a minute. I wanted to round out my prepositions with "down," but I got stuck. haha.)

It was a good moment for me when I rounded up my coffee mug collection for a final count before packing. I think the total was 25 mugs, 1 teacup, and 4 travel tumblers. Could you call that a collection? I think yes. Call me a collector.

Aside from coffee mugs, I collect teddy bears. I can't part from them. They've all just been hanging out in this large packing box since the last move. Yesterday I realized that bears are pretty flexible, and would probably be fine with sharing their space, so I added some stuff to their box. Space efficiency and all, you know. Easily amused as I am, I took a picture of the label when I was finished. I find the assortment of contents entertaining. Maybe that's just me.

(I got a wok for my birthday last year. Woks are difficult to pack. Who knew!)

In sorting my nightstand drawers, I came across a couple magnificent pieces of art that my aunt sent me last year. I wish I knew how old I was when I made each of these cards for her! Not very, I'm sure. I never expected to get them back, but I'm so glad she sent them! Just look at that majestic Christmas reindeer! Those meticulously detailed wristwatches! A lot of passion went into those cards. I actually remember cutting and pasting each little turkey feather, being so pleased with myself at the finished product.

Ehm, this has kind of turned into show-and-tell. That was always my favorite part of preschool.

Anyway, turns out packing isn't all bad. Rediscovery is fun. Boxing up books is like playing Tetris, and that's fun. Blogging about it is fun.

How do you feel about packing?