blurt!

 It's been a really good semester. I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Instead I've been taking pictures of my new hair.

Don't worry, I didn't cut it again.

I went way lighter. Love it.

real life

Monday was Monday.
Tuesday was Tuesday.
Today is Wednesday, everything-at-once-day, ignore-it-and-it-will-not-come day.

It's not a bad day.
But I would like to be an ostrich sometimes.

Summer's not that far off. Zoom in and it's frighteningly close. Zoom out and it's okay, except you have to plan. How can you plan when you don't have plans? Hard to prepare when you don't know what to prepare for. And then there's money. Time and money. Isn't it always time and money?

Here's what happens:
I hold on to the rope, and even though I can't see very far, my footing is stable.
My footing is stable, so I feel confident.
I feel confident, so I loosen my grip. Trailing my fingers along, then letting my hand fall to my side.

And then my feet feel heavy, and my legs feel clumsy, and the confidence is quaking, dissolving, and the surrounding unknown becomes oppressive and dark. And so I stop. So, now I'm standing there, just standing there, with my hands at my side, and I know the rope is still there and I can take hold again, but something perverse in me wants to pretend I can't find it, or wants me to fight forward in the chaotic void on my own. I don't know why. Why?

WHY do I not just keep holding on?!
This is real life, folks.

honest moment

I just read this: "Ladies, put your heart into the hands of God, & He will put it into the hands of a man who deserves it."

A lot of my friends find that encouraging. Like I said, I have trust issues. So, to be completely honest, my response is, "Oh yeah? Who says. First of all, He never promised all girls who want to get married will get good husbands, so there's that. Secondly, what if He just wants to take my heart and keep it closed in the dark between his two hands? or put it on a shelf or something?" 

I dunno if it's disrespectful to think/say stuff like that... all I know is, I'm not perfect. I don't have perfect trust. I have doubts and selfish fears. I know God's word is true and His plan is perfect. But knowing doesn't just translate to living in an effortless snap.

so... yeah. that was personal. *awkward*

Things I'm Proud of from 2012

• I started school!
• I read 30 books, and while that's nowhere near last year's 72, I'm still proud of it. My selections were pretty diverse.
• Maybe it doesn't "count" since it was all school assignments, but I wrote stuff. It feels so good to write.
• I can't really take credit for it, but I started a great job.
• I made new friends. I didn't hold back. This time last year I was reading Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity, and while I haven't really thought about it much in the previous year, I realized that in the process of finding my place here in Aiken, I haven't been afraid. I mean, I'm always a little nervous about new stuff, but I didn't shy away in corners. I didn't hide and wait to be noticed. I want people to like me, sure, but I haven't really spent any of my energy this year worrying that someone didn't, either.
• I started running! Something I never thought I'd do. And while I didn't do all 5 I signed up for, I even did a couple of 5ks. Granted, I've gotten off course the last couple of months, but I'm gearing up to get back at it.
• I did a lot of crafty stuff.
• I went to see my favorite band on a whim.
• I drank a heck of a lot of coffee.